You will hear my story at Where I Stand. But today I’m going to tell you where this event came from.
When I got out of inpatient/residential treatment last summer I was not ready (or at least I didn’t think I was). I felt riddled by my disordered behaviors and thoughts, and I just wanted it all to go away.
Well – it didn’t all go away – in fact it got worse, much worse, before it got better.
During the days of wanting nothing other than to disappear I clung hardest to the things my biggest supporters said to me. I held on tight to conversations with my fellow travelers (those I’ve met in treatment fighting this disease along side of me) – and I kept existing.
It got to a point though, that existing was not enough – and that I had a decision to make.
I had to make a decision to live (by fighting everything disordered inside of me) OR to die (by allowing my eating disorder to consume then take my life).
I chose to live and continually choose to live today.
And while I daily fight to make decisions of health – I am standing, for myself, my friends in treatment, for people who struggle or will struggle or could struggle all around me.
To stay standing I hold on to what one treatment provider said to me as I broke down in her office “You are a Beautiful Person.” Which is something I now believe about myself and others.
To stay standing I remember my sisters from treatment at Remuda Ranch as we would fight, meal by meal, emotion by emotion – fighting through each day – seeking just a bit more health.
To stay standing I think of my friends & my family – the people that have held me up for so many years, until finally I was able to stand by my own strength.
Choosing to Stand was incredibly difficult at first – but now, I don’t think I could sit down.
I’m not perfect. My recovery certainly is not either.
But when I’m tempted, struggling, feeling extra low and wanting to give up.
A little voice pops up and says: “Sit or Stand?”
I think I’ll Stand.