, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes when dealing with a mental illness life feels just plain unfair. I wrote this poem a few years ago on one of those days, and read it as a reminder to myself that it’s okay to be frustrated, angry, tired and the lot.

The most important thing though is: at the end of the day we need to remember to keep going.

Today it is not fair
By: Erin Elizabeth Casey

It’s not fair my life is not my own
Or that it feels that way sometimes
If I want to wake up I take a pill
If I want to go to sleep I take a pill
If I want to keep food down I take more pills
If I want to prevent mania there is a pill for that too
In order to keep from killing myself I swallow yet another pill

It’s so frustrating to be surrounded by people who think that you’re “interesting”
Simply because you have a diagnosis (or two)

It’s not fair my life is not my own
Or that it feels that way sometimes
If I want to stay sane I must sleep 9 hours no more, no less
If I want to keep adjusted I must work hard to stay present, not past, not future
If I want to focus in class I must calm my racing thoughts.. 1, 2, 3,
If I want to have stable relationships I have to filter what I say, share and disclose about myself
If I want to succeed I have to do all of the above, and everything else too

It’s hard to choose to function, when you know it would be easier not to
It’s hard to choose to swallow the pills when the routine becomes mundane, and you feel
bitterness towards them
it is hard to sleep the right amount, stay present, calm my thoughts, and have stable relationships when all I want to do is relax in my own life, throw caution to the wind
…..be reckless for a moment

It gets tiring following a million rules either written on bottles
On paper as part of a treatment plan
Or even those in your mind that you know to be helpful and correct

So today, I say it’s not fair
Today, I am upset, angry, frustrated, and tired
And that’s OK but —

I’m glad, I’ve been around long enough to know….
Tomorrow will be better.