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“I want recovery, but I’ll do behaviors on Mondays and Fridays.”
“I want to be sober everyday except Saturday night.”
“I just keep my eating disorder enough to stay thin, but not too thin.”
“Just one more day of illness then I’ll get better.”

Have you ever said one of these things or something similar? I know in my illness I rationalized all sorts of behaviors or modifications of them so that I could keep “part” of my disease. In my most trapped moments I found any reason to hold on to the behaviors that while felt safe, were actually killing me.

But the truth is recovery is black or white. Recovery is all or nothing. Recovery is being willing to give it ALL up (the parts your don’t like and the parts you DO like). It means being willing to feel broken, exposed, terrified, exhausted and the like so that you can get your life back.

It’s not about will power its about asking yourself this:

“Do I want my illness or health?”
“Is the satisfaction now worth the pain later?
“Where do I want to be in 1, 5, 10 years?

It’s about knowing that what you’ve been doing has not been working.
It’s about asking for help.
It’s about wanting to live more than wanting to die.

Sometimes, that desire is hard to find. Sometimes it is easier to choose darkness, sometimes it does not seem like choosing health is even worth it. It is true that recovery is hard, actually hard does not even come close to covering it. During those times when it does not seem worth it think back to when you were a kid. What did you want to be when you grew up? I’m guessing the answer is not going to be “sick”.

You deserve to be anything you want to be.
You are worthy of pursuing any passion or chasing any dream.

 It all starts here:

All or Nothing

Health or Illness

Life or Death

The choice is yours.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.