Colors of Life
Written By Purple Love Guest Blogger: Denise Kirschner
I see colors…I sense them…I feel them in my heart as I breathe them in and out of my chest…They are ever present in my mind. Some minutes, some moments, some days the colors are vibrant and strong; other times they are dull, muted, and indiscriminate. And when it feels like only one color exists, I trust, I know the others will return and they do.
There is a yellow light, a hope shining within me like the glistening petals of a sunflower kissed by the morning dew. It radiates hope. It radiates recovery. It is always there. It is what I strive for. The yellow rays of hope vary in intensity as they are new… sometimes obscured with the burnt red of anger, the white speckled blue of sadness, the dusty grays of anxiety and the blackness of fear. Other times the yellow is vibrant and infused with shades of pinks and rose, the colors of love and joy.
At one time the emotions, the colors were not visible. They were overshadowed by the orange hand of ED. They were buried by her, ED, and I was numb. Numb to protect myself from feeling the pain of my marriage, a relationship that robbed me of my dreams, my spirit and my “self”. Why feel that deep sadness, a blue that was relentless, and felt as though it would never end? It was too frightening and easier to not feel at all. Numbing is not selective…numb from the negative spread…joy, love, happiness disappeared and I merely I existed living a life. That life was not MY life.
And then after 8 long years, I left my marriage. Several months later I entered treatment. I needed space from the man who robbed me of my spirit. I needed space from ED’s orange haze to grieve the losses of my marriage and my dreams. Slowly, she, ED, eased her grasp on my emotions and on my life. Emotions resurfaced…for days I cried blue and felt the anxious gray. I saw black and feared the loudness of the emotions. And I wondered if they would drown me, hurt me. All I could do was sit, feel them, and breathe. And that’s when I first began to see them and not fear them. I felt them, as they ebbed like the tide like a strong crashing wave to the gentle caress of the water on the sand. The gates opened, and streams of pink joy, laughter, love, smiles, flourished. As all the colors grew, they made space for the most beautiful yellow – the yellow of hope for me to believe in my “self” and my recovery.
And so although I am only at the beginning of this new journey, I am learning to live a life full of color, to nurture my hopes, my yellow, my recovery, my yellow, my life, my yellow…my SELF.
My name is Denise and this is Where I Stand.