Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, hope, lies, mental-health, recovery
“No.” I pushed her way, saying it as though she was crazy. Saying it as though she was rude for asking me.
I lied. I was fifteen years old. I remember that specific moment so clearly because I felt ashamed, embarrassed and alone. Saying yes, telling the truth was seemingly impossible for me right then and there. I felt a twinge of guilt too. Eventually though lying stopped being so hard. I could lie about anything, any behavior, how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, what I needed at the time or even what I wanted.
I lied so much I didn’t know what was true anymore.
You’re might be asking yourself why I lied so much. Or you’re reading this feeling very uncomfortable because right now your life is built upon a delicately constructed house of lies that you are waiting to come crashing down at any moment.
I started lying out of shame. I kept lying out necessity. I continued to lie because I became so sick that those lies became the basis for which my life was built on.
My identity was then my illness and I was protecting that at all cost; be it real relationships, my health, school, my family, or my sanity. There was no price that was too high. I lost friends, respect, people’s trust in me, my own dignity. It was not until I learned, felt and understood one truth that things began to change:
I don’t know who I am.
There were no more lies to tell because I was literally falling part for the world to see. No more hiding. Everyone was watching my demise. I wasn’t fooling anyone. I wasn’t even fooling myself anymore into thinking that this was sustainable.
Grasping at straws I asked for help.
And kept asking for help and kept asking for help over and over and over again until I found hope and then clung to that hope in order to realize what the truth was:
I’m okay. I don’t have to be ashamed. I’m allowed to make mistakes.
… and lying will kill me.
My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.