“Be the wanderer that’s coming back…”
By: Christina Calhoun
When I started my path of sobriety I was doing it to find me, sober me, and to rebuild the relationships I had broken with my alcohol use. I knew that my path would take me on a long road of sobriety, but I truly thought that I would eventually be able to handle alcohol like a “normal” person. My Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor once said, “The great obsession of every abnormal drinker is to [be able] to drink like a normal person”, and that is the absolute truth. I thought, “I will be able to have one drink, and not feel guilty or get out of control.” That time came. On my honeymoon, I tried a few sips of certain alcoholic beverages throughout the week, and then on the last night, ordered a beer and drank approximately half. I had the ability to say “Stop” when I was done, and I walked away without a ‘buzz’ or without finishing my drink. I felt proud; like I had accomplished something. I hadn’t become drunk, or out of control, or did something stupid… and then within MINUTES, that all changed. This overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame consumed every piece of my being. I laughed it off, thinking, that’s just because it has been a while… but it wasn’t a joking matter. I got through the night, with the heavy weight, and when I woke up, I felt my depression sinking in.
For so long, I had been completely sober, COMPLETELY happy. And in a matter of seconds, I took it all away. When I started dressing to leave that morning, I broke down crying. I did not let my husband see, because he and I had had the discussion, prior to my few drinks, about “Not drinking if I wasn’t ready”, and “You’ve worked so hard for your sobriety, are you sure you want to break it?” I didn’t want him to think I had done this to prove anything to him, which sounds ridiculous as I mention it out loud. He is my best friend, and someone I have total support with (something I recommend for ALL). But, I couldn’t hold it in from him. I expressed to him how angry I was at myself, how hurt I feel.
And thus, the new beginning started.
I’ve beat myself up over this in more ways than one. Told myself, “You shouldn’t have”, and “If only I could go back…”, but what good do the “WHAT IFS” do? The past is the past, REGARDLESS of whether its 2 years or 2 seconds ago. There is no changing, there is no going back… but there is the FUTURE, and moving forward. This situation opened my eyes to so much. Alcohol is not welcomed in my life, in any amount, or at any occasion. The emotional toll is more exhausting than any hangover, is more hurtful that any heartbreak, and is not what God wants for me. God has shown me what even the smallest amount of alcohol will do to my spiritual and emotional banks, drain them, and has given me a chance to start fresh with an accurate idea of what my life will be for the future. COMPLETELY ALCOHOL FREE!
We all fall, but we ALL must GET BACK UP!
I am Christina, and This is Where I Stand!