Telling you that I struggle with intimacy would be like me telling you the grass is green or some other ridiculously obvious fact. However, it’s not something people are always aware of, well, unless you’ve been one of those people who’s attempted to develop a deep and meaningful relationship with me.
I know I’m not alone, which is why today I’m talking about it.
Trust for me is not natural. I mean, I grew up unable to even trust myself – my own thoughts, ideas and emotions at times. It’s painful and exhausting. I usually try to force it, then I run from it as through it’s going to steal or break parts of me that I’ve spent so much time rebuilding.
My brain goes into over drive:
It’s okay ________ is good for you.
No they don’t, why would they?
It’s very common for me not to give anyone the chance to truly and honestly enter my life in an intimate way, largely because of ways I’ve been hurt in the past and beliefs I’ve held in my heart for so long.
Now, there are people who I have very deep and intimate relationships with despite my best efforts. These relationships survived my attempts to destroy them, or any wall I desperately tried to build. They survived because these friends didn’t run, nor hide, nor react to my attempts to push them away. They just stayed right there. They never took it personally. They gave me an undeserving grace. This taught me that they didn’t like me because of what I do, they loved me because of who I am.
I’m someone who gives my whole heart to people when I get to the point of trust. But, it takes me a while to get there. Today, I still work on that. I work through past trauma, anxieties and fear; and I remain thankful for the people who have stuck with me; who have taught me that there is something about me worth loving (even when I push).
People with mental illnesses are often very quick to build walls, but something that is just has hurtful to the people we are walling out is that we are walling ourselves in too. Today – think about how you can lower one of your walls.
You are Loved.
My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.