All or Nothing: how learning to manage a thought distortion helped my recovery.

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#believe, Anxiety, awareness, bipolar, Bulimia, depression, disorders, eating disorder, health, treatment, where I Stand

Recovering from and learning to live in my recovery process from an Eating Disorder and Bipolar Disorder has been really challenging at times. There is no sugar coating it. My brain at times operates against me; and I have had to develop skills and tools to combat that. Thankfully I’ve had a lot of really great treatment providers patiently teaching me and coaching me though fighting my own brain.

One of the things that my brain does is all or nothing thinking. Naturally I want to be the best or I don’t want to do it at all. I want to be best friends with someone or not friends. I want to write a book or write nothing. I want to run a marathon or run nothing. You get the idea. This way of thinking is harmful in many ways. First, it set myself up for failure and disappointment. My expectations for everything I did or wanted was so high that my ability to achieve it was actually very small. It also put really high and challenging expectations on relationships. I had all of these ideas of what the relationship should be; I never actually got to enjoy any of the people around me.

It also filtered my life through a lens of “This situation will either be horrible or wonderful” This is emotionally taxing on anyone and creates a lot of ups and downs in moods and behavior. This mindset combined with my perfectionism and fear of failure pushed me to ignore the my emotional and physical cues of needing a break, needing help, knowing when the stop or slow down.

There is also the other side to the “All or Nothing” thought distortion, you know the nothing side. I would neglect parts of my life that I either felt hopeless and overwhelmed over or these were things that made me feel most uncomfortable. At different times these things were: my outward appearance, connecting with my peers, my health, school, my family and my friends.

The things that I was ALL about and the things that I was NOTHING about fluctuated given the time. Living this way added to the chaos of my life. I never felt satisfied, and always felt not good enough.

So how do you recognize and begin to change this way of thinking?

• [Awareness] Notice a pattern. It takes time to create a pattern and sometimes it helps to have another person help with this part (someone that knows you well and that you trust).
  • What are you ALL invested in?
  • What do you neglect of invest NOTHING in?
  • At this point think about your expectations, are they reasonable?
  • How do you feel in your relationships?
• Decide what you really want. Its hard to change out you think. For the longest time I told my therapist that if I gave up this method of thinking than I would be less successful. That wasn’t true. I became more successful as I became more balanced. Once you decide you want balance it becomes a matter of defining it.
• What does balance look like to you?  [DO NOT confuse balance with perfection.. my brain will do that]
  • Physically?
  • Emotionally?
• Use the awareness of your patterns (behavioral and emotional) and start reminding yourself in the moment that your dealing with a thought distortion and the world really isn’t all or nothing. In those moments give yourself other options. This takes a lot of time and hard work. But with practice new patterns are formed based on the balance that you desire.

I know it’s hard, but you can do it.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand

“Broken vs Unbroken” how language keeps people from living well.

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#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, Eating Disorders, Education, encouragement, Erin Elizabeth Casey, friends, health, keep going, Music, Poetry, strength, treatment, understanding, United States, where I Stand

I was in third grade and I still struggled with reading. Every single night my mom and I would climb in her bed with a Judy B. Jones books and I would sputter and stutter my way through page after page in agony. At school that had already labeled me as “slow”. I was in every remedial class there was.

My mother was livid.

Maybe because she knew her child was NOT going to fall behind; maybe she felt like the teachers were not living up to their end of the deal (because Lord knows we were doing hours of work at home.) Or, quite possibly she was just frustrated and didn’t know what to think.

Honestly a lot of it had to do with labels. My mom did NOT want me labeled as anything other than my name “Erin Elizabeth Casey.” Oh, and you better believe she fought tooth and nail to make sure that I wasn’t.

Thankfully (for my mother’s sanity), as a third grader my biggest issue was that I liked to run around in school and I got very easily distracted by my peers. Those things were quickly remedied when my parents began paying me and my siblings for high grades (well let’s just say I liked money more than having fun at school). I quickly became a straight A student, and a very high achiever in general.

But, not everything can be fixed with a bribe.

When later, my depression darkened the rest of my life, no amount of money could have gotten me out of that one. It didn’t work that way. There wasn’t a quick fix. There was not an escape button to push. I suffered severely from depression and that more than anything needed to be acknowledged and treated so that I could get better.

It’s hard to admit the truth though when it’s not what you want it to be. I couldn’t snap out of it. I wasn’t going to grow out of it. I had to admit I was sick and ask for help.

Today we look at mental health as

“I’m messed up and they are not.”
“I’m crazy and they are not.”
“I’m broken and they are not.”

It’s not that black and white. It’s much more like “I’m struggling right now so I need support.” We all have mental health so at different times we all need support in different ways. Understanding that needing and asking for help does not mean you’re in a different category or that you have a label of your forehead.

You can’t be labeled. You are so much more.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Anything but me: battling perfectionism from tutus to today.

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Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, mental-health, perfection, perfectionism, where I Stand

As a little girl, and even as a tween I would idolize the more senior dancers at the studios where I grew up. I didn’t just want to be like them. I wanted to BE them.

To me they embodied perfection as they danced across each stage and floor seemingly effortlessly.

Well, eventually I grew and I was one of the senior dancers and I saw little girls smile big and look up at us with wide eyes and open mouths.

My thoughts: Oh no, I hope they don’t want to be like me. 

I didn’t feel the way I assumed all the dancers at this level did (or should). I was still me. I was still Erin. I still had zits and fought with my dad, I was never happy with my appearance or my weight and there was always the next thing hanging over my head: that paper I needed to write, the boy I liked who didn’t like me back or the fact that I just couldn’t fall asleep to save my life.

My life was no where near perfection.

My thoughts: I must be doing something wrong. 

Well it’s true. I did a lot wrong, but one of the biggest things was making the assumption that perfection existed and I could attain it (if I only worked a little harder). I put others on pedestals and push myself into the ground. This turned me into an incredibly hard worker; always trying to attain something that didn’t exist. As a teen others considered me a success. But it almost killed me.

I didn’t know what was going on at the time. All I knew was that I needed to BE something that was perfectly pictured in my mind (and for me that was good enough). When I failed time and time again to reach this unobtainable goal I became a failure, though only more committed to perfection.

After years of treatment and therapy and recovery and insight and understanding I can finally combat this thought process; but it still takes work. There is part of me that will always want to do better; BE better. But today there is a new part of me that wants to live better, and living better requires accepting who I am right now where I am.

Even for those of us who are not full-blown perfectionists, I think we all have things we are protectionist about. Ask yourself if what you’re chasing is real or not. If it is, what are you sacrificing? Is it worth it?

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

We are Beautiful.

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Anorexia, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Broken, Bulimia, Eating Disorders, Education, Erin, hope, inspiration, journey, mental-health, peace, Poetry, recovery, research, Shy, strength, together, understanding, where I Stand

“We are Beautiful.”
By: Erin Elizabeth Casey

We all have walked our own journey
stumbled on our own two feet
fallen….again.
These very things cause a variety of emotions, fears, frustrations
We feel shame, anxiety, depression,
guilt and regret, hurt and distress

So what do we do?
We hide and lie
pretend and mask
run to or from
We convince ourselves that we are alone, while everyone is….
Streaming through our brains
reasons we are unfit, unwelcome, ugly
“They will never understand…”
“….so different; so broken.”

But listen for a moment
This very journey will shape you,
Give you your passions, your convictions
teach you right from wrong,
show you to get up when you feel down,
foster compassion for those who
have fallen…. again.

On this journey open your eyes
you may feel all alone
We are actually beside you.
We are your fellow travelers,
navigating this life,
our own path.
You are not alone.
So when we feel the shame
the anxiety, depression
the guilt and regret,
hurt and distress
What do we do?
We share; we say “I’m not Ok”.
We tell the truth,
we take off the mask;
We grab someone’s hand and…
walk forward.
I will tell you this:
We will not always understand each other,
all different and broken,
but that does not make us ugly at all.
That makes us beautiful.
“We are Beautiful.”

When life throws you a curve ball…

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#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, baseball, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, curve ball, depression, eating disorder, health, home run, hope, mental-health, recovery, strength, treatment, understanding, where I Stand

How many of you are baseball fans? Well, honestly I know very little about the sport. I played T-ball with the neighborhood boys growing up (and my job consisted of mainly standing in the outfield with my hands on my hips waiting for it to be over). I did attend more than a few Orioles games with by late grandfather, he loved the game. My favorite parts were getting to throw peanut shells on the ground and getting an upside-down plastic baseball cap full of ice cream.

While I don’t know much about this national pastime, I do know quite a bit about dealing with life’s “curve-balls”

Recently at work (I work at a therapeutic residential home for teenage boys) we ran into a staffing issue because of a requested vacation and coverage falling through. We found out the day of that there was not going to be a night counselor there for the overnight shift, well, that’s not an option. My job is the Activities Counselor, I’ve had it for just about the past year, and my schedule is 40hrs of afternoons/evenings and some weekends.

I don’t work overnight, one because that’s not my job and two because I maintain and pretty consistent schedule in my life so that I can function my best given medications, meals, anxiety levels – it’s not strict; but major jolts to the schedule usually need to be planned for (and sometimes thats not possible)

I’ve worked through the night while taking a resident to the emergency room before, but in that situation there was no thinking; only doing.

This time, I’ve realized that I’m going to need to cover two of the overnight shifts for the scheduling error. This is a challenge for me.

So what do I do?

1. I could panic, but from my history of dealing with curve balls I know that will do me absolutely NO good.
2. I could give up on my recovery until my schedule is back the way I want it to be but that will not only do me NO good, but that will HURT me.
3. I could quit my job because it’s making my life more difficult, but again the complications and consequences that would come from that would most likely be far greater than anything I’m dealing with now.
4. I could accept that this is going to be a challenge and plan (to the best of my ability) accordingly. What will be helpful? What will NOT be helpful? How can I take care of myself during this difficult time? What tools can I use? Who can I reach out to support from?

I decided to go with number 4 (here is what I did):

• I decided to get extra sleep during the day (and consulting with my doctor about changing the hours I take my medication a little bit)
• I decided to pack myself some healthy (and yummy) snacks so I am not tempted to use eating disordered behaviors.
• I packed some little things I can work on that were fun (like writing and art) to keep myself busy in between checking on the residents.
• I made a list of the people I can call/text if I’m feeling out-of-whack because my schedule is a mess so they can remind me that it’s because of my schedule and not because I’m not doing well.
• I asked for time to recover and get back on track after throwing my schedule off.

Nothing is impossible. Life is going to be crazy and sometimes you are going to have 10 curve balls coming at you at one time. The important thing to remember though, is that while you are not in control of the “ball” or situation you are in control of how you react to it, what resources you use and what you do to navigate it.

Given the right tools, just like a baseball player with the right training – we can hit them all right out of the park.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

The ‘Black Box’ and Bipolar Disorder – Did they get it right?

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ABC, bipolar, Bipolar disorder, depression, Kelly Reilly, Mania, mental illness, mental-health, psychology, Television, The black box, where I Stand

When I first saw a commercial advertising for ABC’s newest drama titled The Black Box my heart sank; I could tell even from those small clips that they were creating a series about a successful woman, a doctor no less, with bipolar disorder.

My hesitation of mental illness portrayed in television echoes a lot of things others have written about: falsifying, glorifying, creating mass assumptions, and increasing the stigma associated with mental illness. But this time it felt personal. This time it was personal to me.

I’m diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I also work tirelessly to reduce the stigma associated with the disease, and mental illness in general.

The show’s main character: Catherine Black, played by Kelly Reilly, is shown to be caught between two versions herself, and unable to control her disease, no matter what she does. While medication appears to be effective she doesn’t stay on the prescribed drugs. She soars into mania and then lunges into depression without any time passing. All this occurs while holding her job as a world famous neuroscientist, and the world is none-the-wiser. Her therapist appears distant and cold. And the way this student of the brain describes herself and her disease is disappointing and discouraging.

She separates it from the physical side of medicine, she states that it is part of her, inside of her – in her personality. To say she was embarrassed about her diagnosis would be an understatement.

Between the onset of my symptoms and when my array of doctors and therapists had figured out an  effective treatment regime that was effective for me my ability to hold myself together to get through my undergraduate work was seemingly impossible. I was not dependable to any degree. I was unstable to the point where holding down a job at a local bookstore was a challenge; I don’t know how being a neuroscientist would have been possible by any stretch of the imagination while I was not properly treated.

Now, well since having discovered and rigorously implemented an effective treatment regime for my symptoms and maintaining proper support with mental health professionals my life is full in just about every way possible. I don’t “feel” bipolar and it does not hinder my day-to-day. It is a not part of me that I cannot control, because with proper treatment, I can.

Mental Illness is not a character flaw. It is not an absolute life ending disability. Mental illness is not shameful; it just is. It’s not fun, it’s not exciting, it’s not something you want – but neither is a broken arm, heart disease, auditory problems, or bad vision. You don’t see new hit TV shows about the doctor who went off his cholesterol medication.

It’s exhausting, educating person after person, who each think they know all they need to know about mental illness after watching the movie Sybil.

25% of all adults will experience symptoms of mental illness during their life time. Bipolar Disorder is not as uncommon as you might think. It’s also very treatable.

TV stations and producers are never going to stop dramatizing mental illness because, pain sells, emotion sells and most people in the world are looking desperately for something to connect to – even if it’s not real, but you have to question what at what cost are these messages being sent?

Maybe there isn’t one.

What do you think?

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand

Let’s be honest: Depression sucks.

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Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, beautiful, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, encouragement, health, Mental disorder, mental-health, recovery

If you’ve heard me talk you know what I Stand for, you know my story, you know that I advocate very strongly that mental illnesses are NOT death sentences and that there is life (lot’s of it) in learning to navigate and use mental health tools to your advantage. You know that I believe mental health is for EVERYONE. You’ve also heard me talk about how challenging living with a mental illness is.

Honestly, most of the time I tend the shy away from the nitty gritty details of depression and anxiety, eating disorders, bipolar disorder and other mood disorders, personality disorders, behavioral disorders and other mental illnesses that the world casts so much stigma and shame on because there is already so much darkness there and I hate to add to it.

But, there comes a point where sometimes the truth is dark. Sometimes the truth is ugly. Sometimes the truth is painful, and ignoring it is only going to make it worse.

I deal with depression pretty regularly on and off. I swallow my cocktail of prescription medications on a daily basis. I use the DBT skill MEDDSS to track how I’m doing. I constantly talk myself out of negative thought processes and into living my life. I have a therapist.

But today I’m just going to say it: Depression really sucks.

It sucks that it’s hard to get out of bed sometimes. It sucks that it’s hard that even with loved ones I feel alone. It sucks that this dark cloud that follows me on my bad days just looms there, even when really good things happen – and while I know I should be happy; I can’t. It sucks when I smile and wave at people, but really just feel like an empty shell. Everything is a chore. Everything is difficult. Everything hurts. The time moves in slow motion as I pray for nightfall. The world seems foggy and grey.

Thankfully for me, the depths and lengths of my depressions are not as bad or deep or long as they once were. But they are still there. I use to fight them, fight them like hell, as if I were waging a war against the universe. I would not sleep, or only sleep; I would yell and scream at people for reasons I didn’t even understand. I would take it out on my body in extreme ways.

Today I don’t fight it anymore. I know what it is, kind of like a headache or a migraine or a stomach ache. I acknowledge that it sucks. I allow myself to take it as easy as I need to. I ask myself what I need while I’m not feeling well.

In order to heal we must become aware; in order to become aware we must be honest.

Let’s be honest: Depression Sucks.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

One truth about therapy.

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Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, encourage, health, hope, Mental disorder, mental-health, therapist, therapy, treatment providers, understanding

I sit on my therapist’s green couch every other week these days and we talk about tools, emotions, recovery, being proud of myself, being grateful, goals, disappointments, relationships, work and everything or anything else that comes up.

Therapy is a tool that I use to help me navigate through some of the more challenging or complicated parts of my life. It’s a treatment that has taught me new ways of doing things and/or reacting to situations; because I’ve been through things and have certain illnesses that require additional assistance and are particularly challenging.

I think of my therapist like a swim teacher, and life an ocean. She can’t save me, carry me, do it (meaning life) for me. She doesn’t pull me down or attempt to create more waves either. No, my therapist teaches me how to swim on my own so that I can live outside of realms of treatment.

It’s so easy to wish someone could just make me better. I’ve wished on occasion that my medication was all I needed. I’ve prayed to God asking why he didn’t just cure me. And at times in my life I have put all of my hopes into treatment providers to be my lifesaver rather than my swim teacher.

Honestly though, learning to live outside of treatment, or within the realms of this metaphor learning to swim, while it has been incredibly difficult sometimes seemly impossible has been more gratifying than anything or any accomplishment I can remember.

I spent so long searching for someone to save me. Then I realized I could save myself.

My therapists over the years have been vital to my treatment, recovery and success in maintain it. But, but even as my therapist changed I continued to work, to learn, to utilize. You are you’re very own constant. You have the opportunity to learn from the people in your life no matter how long they are there.

The purpose of a therapist is to teach you you to swim on your own in this ocean of life with waves and storms and sharks – so what you know you’ll be okay.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

The repercussions of lying.

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Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, hope, lies, mental-health, recovery

I remember walking through the mall with my mom and she asked me “have you had any troubles today?” The word troubles in that context for her meant eating disordered behaviors; particularly purging.

“No.” I pushed her way, saying it as though she was crazy. Saying it as though she was rude for asking me.

I lied. I was fifteen years old. I remember that specific moment so clearly because I felt ashamed, embarrassed and alone. Saying yes, telling the truth was seemingly impossible for me right then and there. I felt a twinge of guilt too. Eventually though lying stopped being so hard. I could lie about anything, any behavior, how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, what I needed at the time or even what I wanted.

I lied so much I didn’t know what was true anymore.

You’re might be asking yourself why I lied so much. Or you’re reading this feeling very uncomfortable because right now your life is built upon a delicately constructed house of lies that you are waiting to come crashing down at any moment.

I started lying out of shame. I kept lying out necessity. I continued to lie because I became so sick that those lies became the basis for which my life was built on.

My identity was then my illness and I was protecting that at all cost; be it real relationships, my health, school, my family, or my sanity. There was no price that was too high. I lost friends, respect, people’s trust in me, my own dignity. It was not until I learned, felt and understood one truth that things began to change:

I don’t know who I am.

There were no more lies to tell because I was literally falling part for the world to see. No more hiding. Everyone was watching my demise. I wasn’t fooling anyone. I wasn’t even fooling myself anymore into thinking that this was sustainable.

Grasping at straws I asked for help.

And kept asking for help and kept asking for help over and over and over again until I found hope and then clung to that hope in order to realize what the truth was:

I’m okay. I don’t have to be ashamed. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

… and lying will kill me.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Mindfulness – for those of us who just can’t.

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#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, Education, encourage, encouragement, friends, God, health, hope, inspiration, jesus, mental-health, Mindful, mindfulness

M-I-N-D-F-U-L

I don’t know about you but my mind is ALWAYS full.

For the past few years I’ve been challenged by my treatment providers to practice mindfulness.  Google gave me a pretty good definition. Here it is: a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. Easy right? Um No.

For those of you who are like me words like focusing, present moment, calmly, and accepting might send you running in the opposite direction. I’m more of a live ten steps ahead of the game and try to distract myself away from the 3,000,000,000,000 things running through my brain at any given second (or so it seems).

But the truth is mindfulness is really powerful, useful, and helpful in the day to day for those recovering from and managing mental illness and those just seeking more peace in their lives (wow – I can’t believe I just said that shhhh don’t tell my therapist)

But I, of course like everything else, have had to adapt it to work for me. There is no way you are getting me to participate in an hour long body scan and not feel more anxious after than before. For some people that might be really helpful but not this girl. Below are some tools, tips and tricks for incorporating everyday mindfulness into your life (it’s how I do it at least)

1. In the Shower or Bath

• The beauty of using the shower or bath to practice mindfulness is that we all do it on a regular basis (I hope). And it is equipped with lots of tools: nice fragrances from body washes, soaps, shampoos, textures from loofas and wash clothes to hot water. This is also a time when you are guaranteed some privacy  away from the rest of the world. Most of the time I close my eyes and picture myself somewhere else for a few minutes.

2. When you Brush your teeth.

• Another great way to use your senses is to practice mindfulness while brushing your teeth. I close my eyes and pay really close attention to the minty taste in the my mouth, the foamy feeling and the fresh feeling right after.

3. Carry a flavored or scented chapstick.

• My personal favorite is Burt’s bees. If I’m out and about and become overly stressed and overwhelmed I put on my chapstick. I like the Burt’s bees kind because it adds a tingly sensation to my lips, and I focus all of my attention on my lips and how they feel for as long as I can. It’s my chance to give myself a mental break.

4.  Have a “happy place.”

• There are a trillion guided meditations out there for you to listen to. Some people love them so if you are interested you should try it, you can find many of them right online to listen to. For me I struggle with my mind and usually end up more anxious than when I started. But I do have a “happy place” in my head that I can close my eyes and go to. I go to the same place every time so it requires very little thinking or effort. For me I picturing myself curled up in the hand of Jesus. Your place could be anywhere in the world (or somewhere that does not exist), alone or with someone, with a pet even — it’s all up to you. And whenever you just need a little break – you close your eyes and go there. You might think it sounds strange – I sure did when I started practicing mindfulness but the benefits are amazing.

Give it a try.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand