All or Nothing: how learning to manage a thought distortion helped my recovery.

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#believe, Anxiety, awareness, bipolar, Bulimia, depression, disorders, eating disorder, health, treatment, where I Stand

Recovering from and learning to live in my recovery process from an Eating Disorder and Bipolar Disorder has been really challenging at times. There is no sugar coating it. My brain at times operates against me; and I have had to develop skills and tools to combat that. Thankfully I’ve had a lot of really great treatment providers patiently teaching me and coaching me though fighting my own brain.

One of the things that my brain does is all or nothing thinking. Naturally I want to be the best or I don’t want to do it at all. I want to be best friends with someone or not friends. I want to write a book or write nothing. I want to run a marathon or run nothing. You get the idea. This way of thinking is harmful in many ways. First, it set myself up for failure and disappointment. My expectations for everything I did or wanted was so high that my ability to achieve it was actually very small. It also put really high and challenging expectations on relationships. I had all of these ideas of what the relationship should be; I never actually got to enjoy any of the people around me.

It also filtered my life through a lens of “This situation will either be horrible or wonderful” This is emotionally taxing on anyone and creates a lot of ups and downs in moods and behavior. This mindset combined with my perfectionism and fear of failure pushed me to ignore the my emotional and physical cues of needing a break, needing help, knowing when the stop or slow down.

There is also the other side to the “All or Nothing” thought distortion, you know the nothing side. I would neglect parts of my life that I either felt hopeless and overwhelmed over or these were things that made me feel most uncomfortable. At different times these things were: my outward appearance, connecting with my peers, my health, school, my family and my friends.

The things that I was ALL about and the things that I was NOTHING about fluctuated given the time. Living this way added to the chaos of my life. I never felt satisfied, and always felt not good enough.

So how do you recognize and begin to change this way of thinking?

• [Awareness] Notice a pattern. It takes time to create a pattern and sometimes it helps to have another person help with this part (someone that knows you well and that you trust).
  • What are you ALL invested in?
  • What do you neglect of invest NOTHING in?
  • At this point think about your expectations, are they reasonable?
  • How do you feel in your relationships?
• Decide what you really want. Its hard to change out you think. For the longest time I told my therapist that if I gave up this method of thinking than I would be less successful. That wasn’t true. I became more successful as I became more balanced. Once you decide you want balance it becomes a matter of defining it.
• What does balance look like to you?  [DO NOT confuse balance with perfection.. my brain will do that]
  • Physically?
  • Emotionally?
• Use the awareness of your patterns (behavioral and emotional) and start reminding yourself in the moment that your dealing with a thought distortion and the world really isn’t all or nothing. In those moments give yourself other options. This takes a lot of time and hard work. But with practice new patterns are formed based on the balance that you desire.

I know it’s hard, but you can do it.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand

“Broken vs Unbroken” how language keeps people from living well.

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I was in third grade and I still struggled with reading. Every single night my mom and I would climb in her bed with a Judy B. Jones books and I would sputter and stutter my way through page after page in agony. At school that had already labeled me as “slow”. I was in every remedial class there was.

My mother was livid.

Maybe because she knew her child was NOT going to fall behind; maybe she felt like the teachers were not living up to their end of the deal (because Lord knows we were doing hours of work at home.) Or, quite possibly she was just frustrated and didn’t know what to think.

Honestly a lot of it had to do with labels. My mom did NOT want me labeled as anything other than my name “Erin Elizabeth Casey.” Oh, and you better believe she fought tooth and nail to make sure that I wasn’t.

Thankfully (for my mother’s sanity), as a third grader my biggest issue was that I liked to run around in school and I got very easily distracted by my peers. Those things were quickly remedied when my parents began paying me and my siblings for high grades (well let’s just say I liked money more than having fun at school). I quickly became a straight A student, and a very high achiever in general.

But, not everything can be fixed with a bribe.

When later, my depression darkened the rest of my life, no amount of money could have gotten me out of that one. It didn’t work that way. There wasn’t a quick fix. There was not an escape button to push. I suffered severely from depression and that more than anything needed to be acknowledged and treated so that I could get better.

It’s hard to admit the truth though when it’s not what you want it to be. I couldn’t snap out of it. I wasn’t going to grow out of it. I had to admit I was sick and ask for help.

Today we look at mental health as

“I’m messed up and they are not.”
“I’m crazy and they are not.”
“I’m broken and they are not.”

It’s not that black and white. It’s much more like “I’m struggling right now so I need support.” We all have mental health so at different times we all need support in different ways. Understanding that needing and asking for help does not mean you’re in a different category or that you have a label of your forehead.

You can’t be labeled. You are so much more.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Anything but me: battling perfectionism from tutus to today.

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Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, mental-health, perfection, perfectionism, where I Stand

As a little girl, and even as a tween I would idolize the more senior dancers at the studios where I grew up. I didn’t just want to be like them. I wanted to BE them.

To me they embodied perfection as they danced across each stage and floor seemingly effortlessly.

Well, eventually I grew and I was one of the senior dancers and I saw little girls smile big and look up at us with wide eyes and open mouths.

My thoughts: Oh no, I hope they don’t want to be like me. 

I didn’t feel the way I assumed all the dancers at this level did (or should). I was still me. I was still Erin. I still had zits and fought with my dad, I was never happy with my appearance or my weight and there was always the next thing hanging over my head: that paper I needed to write, the boy I liked who didn’t like me back or the fact that I just couldn’t fall asleep to save my life.

My life was no where near perfection.

My thoughts: I must be doing something wrong. 

Well it’s true. I did a lot wrong, but one of the biggest things was making the assumption that perfection existed and I could attain it (if I only worked a little harder). I put others on pedestals and push myself into the ground. This turned me into an incredibly hard worker; always trying to attain something that didn’t exist. As a teen others considered me a success. But it almost killed me.

I didn’t know what was going on at the time. All I knew was that I needed to BE something that was perfectly pictured in my mind (and for me that was good enough). When I failed time and time again to reach this unobtainable goal I became a failure, though only more committed to perfection.

After years of treatment and therapy and recovery and insight and understanding I can finally combat this thought process; but it still takes work. There is part of me that will always want to do better; BE better. But today there is a new part of me that wants to live better, and living better requires accepting who I am right now where I am.

Even for those of us who are not full-blown perfectionists, I think we all have things we are protectionist about. Ask yourself if what you’re chasing is real or not. If it is, what are you sacrificing? Is it worth it?

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

The repercussions of lying.

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Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, hope, lies, mental-health, recovery

I remember walking through the mall with my mom and she asked me “have you had any troubles today?” The word troubles in that context for her meant eating disordered behaviors; particularly purging.

“No.” I pushed her way, saying it as though she was crazy. Saying it as though she was rude for asking me.

I lied. I was fifteen years old. I remember that specific moment so clearly because I felt ashamed, embarrassed and alone. Saying yes, telling the truth was seemingly impossible for me right then and there. I felt a twinge of guilt too. Eventually though lying stopped being so hard. I could lie about anything, any behavior, how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, what I needed at the time or even what I wanted.

I lied so much I didn’t know what was true anymore.

You’re might be asking yourself why I lied so much. Or you’re reading this feeling very uncomfortable because right now your life is built upon a delicately constructed house of lies that you are waiting to come crashing down at any moment.

I started lying out of shame. I kept lying out necessity. I continued to lie because I became so sick that those lies became the basis for which my life was built on.

My identity was then my illness and I was protecting that at all cost; be it real relationships, my health, school, my family, or my sanity. There was no price that was too high. I lost friends, respect, people’s trust in me, my own dignity. It was not until I learned, felt and understood one truth that things began to change:

I don’t know who I am.

There were no more lies to tell because I was literally falling part for the world to see. No more hiding. Everyone was watching my demise. I wasn’t fooling anyone. I wasn’t even fooling myself anymore into thinking that this was sustainable.

Grasping at straws I asked for help.

And kept asking for help and kept asking for help over and over and over again until I found hope and then clung to that hope in order to realize what the truth was:

I’m okay. I don’t have to be ashamed. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

… and lying will kill me.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Mindfulness – for those of us who just can’t.

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M-I-N-D-F-U-L

I don’t know about you but my mind is ALWAYS full.

For the past few years I’ve been challenged by my treatment providers to practice mindfulness.  Google gave me a pretty good definition. Here it is: a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. Easy right? Um No.

For those of you who are like me words like focusing, present moment, calmly, and accepting might send you running in the opposite direction. I’m more of a live ten steps ahead of the game and try to distract myself away from the 3,000,000,000,000 things running through my brain at any given second (or so it seems).

But the truth is mindfulness is really powerful, useful, and helpful in the day to day for those recovering from and managing mental illness and those just seeking more peace in their lives (wow – I can’t believe I just said that shhhh don’t tell my therapist)

But I, of course like everything else, have had to adapt it to work for me. There is no way you are getting me to participate in an hour long body scan and not feel more anxious after than before. For some people that might be really helpful but not this girl. Below are some tools, tips and tricks for incorporating everyday mindfulness into your life (it’s how I do it at least)

1. In the Shower or Bath

• The beauty of using the shower or bath to practice mindfulness is that we all do it on a regular basis (I hope). And it is equipped with lots of tools: nice fragrances from body washes, soaps, shampoos, textures from loofas and wash clothes to hot water. This is also a time when you are guaranteed some privacy  away from the rest of the world. Most of the time I close my eyes and picture myself somewhere else for a few minutes.

2. When you Brush your teeth.

• Another great way to use your senses is to practice mindfulness while brushing your teeth. I close my eyes and pay really close attention to the minty taste in the my mouth, the foamy feeling and the fresh feeling right after.

3. Carry a flavored or scented chapstick.

• My personal favorite is Burt’s bees. If I’m out and about and become overly stressed and overwhelmed I put on my chapstick. I like the Burt’s bees kind because it adds a tingly sensation to my lips, and I focus all of my attention on my lips and how they feel for as long as I can. It’s my chance to give myself a mental break.

4.  Have a “happy place.”

• There are a trillion guided meditations out there for you to listen to. Some people love them so if you are interested you should try it, you can find many of them right online to listen to. For me I struggle with my mind and usually end up more anxious than when I started. But I do have a “happy place” in my head that I can close my eyes and go to. I go to the same place every time so it requires very little thinking or effort. For me I picturing myself curled up in the hand of Jesus. Your place could be anywhere in the world (or somewhere that does not exist), alone or with someone, with a pet even — it’s all up to you. And whenever you just need a little break – you close your eyes and go there. You might think it sounds strange – I sure did when I started practicing mindfulness but the benefits are amazing.

Give it a try.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand

New Program: Lifeline Letters of Love.

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Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, encouragement, health, lifeline, Lifeline team, mail, mental illness, mental-health, recovery, support, together, treatment, understanding

We always love starting new programs at Where I Stand, but this program I am particularly excited about. It’s called LifeLine: Letters of Love. The purpose of the program is to create a team of people who send hope and love filled mail all over the world to individuals in treatment for mental illness.

We’ve already begun receiving requests and forming our team – and my heart could not be filled with more hope.

Everyday in treatment when the mail arrived was some of the happiest moments, because connection with the outside world is limited while you’re focusing on getting better. I was sent postcards, drawing from kids I looked after, bookmarks, stickers, encouraging quotes and lots of love. All of this reminded me that people were thinking about me.

Not everyone had the support that I did though – and Where I Stand wants to offer that support to ANYONE and EVERYONE in partial, residential or inpatient programs for addiction and mental illness. To sign up to receive the LifeLine: Letters of love Click here and fill out the form!

If you want to join Where I Stand’s Lifeline team and make hopeful cards and letters to send to people during their time of need email erin@thisiswhereistand.com! We’d love to have you on board!

After all, everyone needs a lifeline from time to time.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Raising a Teenager with a Mental Illness.

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Dealing with Love and Depression

Written by Anonymous

A few months back I wrote about my teenager with depression and dating.  Having a teenager dating is scary no matter what but having a teenager with mental illness dating is even scarier.  You never know how the mental illness will affect your child’s decisions and adding another teen with their own agenda into the mix can complicate that even further.  Yet, despite that I feel lucky and blessed because my child made a good choice in who to date.  Not only has her boyfriend not pressured her to do anything but he also is trying to understand her and her depression.  She’s lucky to have someone who is willing to learn about her and tries to understand her.  But that’s a lot to ask of anyone let alone a 17 year old.

She had a huge setback this winter, she had been doing pretty well and then she got ill and behind in school and overwhelmed.  She finally admitted that she felt like she was standing on the edge of the cliff and could see herself falling and felt unable to stop it.  And sure enough she fell back into a major depression.  At which point most teenage boyfriends would have left.  But he didn’t.  Instead she talked to him and tried to explain what was happening and what she needed, which for her is “bubbling” herself off from other people to focus on herself.  So he said okay, just tell me that and I will leave you alone.  So throughout the winter that was how it went.  He gave her the space and time to focus on her, and let her have the opportunity to cope without the pressure of a relationship when it was too much for her to handle.  And now, she seems to be coming out of her depression.  And entering what I refer to as the danger zone.  So now this teenage boyfriend now has to learn about this and trying to explain this is hard.  I refer to the danger zone as the period when you aren’t quite back to “normal” but aren’t deep into the hole of depression.  It where you are climbing out but if you grab one wrong rock (or someone says one wrong thing or something stressful happens) you can easily slide back in.  It’s easy to have setbacks here.  So as a parent you are cautiously optimistic at this time.  As a person with depression, you have to be careful during this time because your mood may change moment to moment.  And there are still days when she needs to bubble not necessarily to focus on herself but to protect herself from saying something wrong or mean or hurtful to people she cares about.  So now it’s a whole new scary situation for everyone again.  And in many ways it’s a new chapter in their relationship.

If he can cope through all this, he’s a pretty strong individual because it’s a lot to handle as a parent who has loved her for her whole life.  In the meantime I will just continue to do my best to support them both on this journey.

 

 

So Much: A Poem

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So Much

By: Erin Elizabeth Casey

Do you ever feel the world on your shoulders by day and by night?

Do you have days when you ask: “Will it really actually for honest truth be alright?”

“People need me.”

“I have things to do, places to be.”

Close your eyes

Or look to the skies

Breathe in deeply now

Know this:

The world will continue on somehow

It may feel the world is on your shoulders – but it’s not

That is just something dark in our brains causing pain and distraught

The world will continue regardless of this decision or that

Life is a journey – not something we “arrive at”

When you ask yourself “Will it really actually for honest truth be alright?”

Say out loud: “I stand for not darkness, but light.”

When we fight for light we get joy, love, and hope in great measure

And those things are our greatest treasure

You are needed that is true

But you are needed to be your beautiful you

So that you can do what God has inspired you to do

And go to the place you are supposed to be too

Don’t be burdened by this world, this life, this treasure you’ve been given

Take what inspires you – and become driven

Remembering in your heart that you have been forgiven

Freed already from that burden on your shoulders by day and by night

And now you know it really actually for honest truth will be alright

Forgiveness.

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How often do you hold on to all the times you’ve been “wronged.”? I wonder how many other people are holding on the things we’ve done to them and we don’t even know it.

Bitterness is a poison that destroys lives.

I’ve been bitter. We all have. I’ve made lists and held dirty laundry against people that I struggled to get over. Tonight as I sat in the sanctuary of a church listening to the pastor talk about relationships, confrontation, taking initiative, being passive aggressive ect. All I could think about was how much energy all of it takes.

Exhausting right? There is too much good to fight for and too many beautiful things to see. When it comes to mental health and relationships things usually get complicated…. fast. I know things did in my family and for my friends and I. I’ve been blessed with gracious friends and family that have learned a lot along the way; but that doesn’t change the fact that a lot of crap happened. So what do I do? What do you do? What do we do?

We forgive. We say “I was wrong” if we were. And we move on.

Easy? No. Necessary Yes.

….Unless you want to spend the next 20 years hurt, angry, frustrated and unable to smell the roses or appreciate the people coming and going right before your eyes.

Remember: Forgiveness is not a one time deal… its a daily act of love, self-love and love for others.

Today I’m forgiving myself for wasting any time in my life feeling or being bitter.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

It’s not all relative.

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#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, anxiety disorder, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, clinical depression, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, Education, health, hope, inspiration, inspire, Mental disorder, mental illness, mental-health, Music, Poetry, understanding

There is a difference between feeling sad and being clinically depressed. There is a difference between worry and an anxiety disorder. There is a difference between organized and OCD.

Excuse the tone of this blog post, but I’m a little frustrated.

Mental illness is not something that is relative, subjective, grey. It is an illness that impedes the function on daily living. It’s causes are both biological and environmental. The idea that “everyone feels sad” is said to someone who has clinical depression is the same as saying “everyone feels sick sometimes” to someone fighting cancer. It’s insensitive to say the very least.

We can all agree that there is no universal “normal” in the world. My grandmother told me once – normal was just a setting on a dryer. But we each have our own “normal”. We each have our own ability to function; and just like with our stomachs, backs, eyes and ears, we can tell when something is not right with our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

So yes. There is no universal “normal”. But there are globally accepted signs, symptoms, diagnostic criteria and treatments for mental illnesses.

Mental illness is not grey.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.