I was talking with one of the lovely ladies that I mentor last night and she told me how she works so hard to display to the world a strong and confident persona. As we were talking, I thought to myself: “Wow, I do the exact same thing.” There may be differences in the way and the why we do this between me and this beautiful lady who is currently working to determine what recovery from her eating disorder would mean for her. But she got me thinking….
Why do I still run for the hills in the face of vulnerability?
Why do I feel so comfortable speaking in front of a large crowd yet sometimes withdraw from intimate settings?
Honestly, it’s because I’m insecure.
Some people will read this and be surprised because of how much information about my personal life there is “out there”, and how willing and open I am to talk about depression, mood, struggle, eating disorders, trauma ect. That’s my comfort zone. That world makes sense to me. It was a fight to get a understanding of it; It’s been a method of survival. Now as I am an advocate and realizing that my life outside of that world is ready for me to jump into. It makes me feel afraid. I’ve been a patient for so long – will anyone ever like me as a friend; forget friend what about girlfriend? I think about what I’ve missed – seemingly large chunks of what was supposed to be “normal life” buried in periods of illness and deep struggle and then I realize what I’ve gained: a sense of self.
We’re all insecure.
We can pretend we’re not all we want. But it’s fake. We’re all human looking for our place in a world that is always changing and shifting and difficult. The best I’ve realized I can do is know where I’ve come from and not only be okay with but be proud of it. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel awkward talking to guys or in large social situations (even if you can’t tell). But I think half the battle of intimacy is knowing that even if our instinct is to puff up and exert ultra confidence – to be aware of that and remember that it’s okay to be insecure… after all we all are.
My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.