One Truth That Will Help Set You Free.

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#believe, anchor, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, awareness, be free, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, eating disorder, health, inspiration, keep going, medicine, mental-health, one truth, truth, understanding

You can’t always trust how you feel.

It’s taken me the last six years of painful, rewarding, exhausting, exciting, frustrating, confusing, gratifying, work to not only know this truth but to believe it and understand it.

I used to live my life based on how I felt.

I feel like you are against me so I will react to it.

I feel depressed so therefore my life is horrible.

I feel happy so therefore I am cured.

I feel love so therefore I need you to survive.

I feel angry so therefore I must act.

There is only one word that can really describe my life as I lived it in this way: chaotic. Even if people didn’t see the chaos I felt it in my heart, in my soul, in my stomach and in my brain. I never felt safe because  I was a captive to my own emotions. I was being held captive to my own feelings. During this time I could not separate my feelings from truth. Now, I’m not saying that my feelings didn’t exist – because they surly did. But I believed that because I felt it; it was true – and that was simply not.

Today I live my life based on truths

Feelings don’t last forever.

I am okay.

People do the best that they can.

Not everything is as it seems or feels.

I cannot control everything; but I can control what I do right now.

I deserve recovery.

I deserve real healthy relationships.

I never realized how much my feelings were holding me captive in my disease; not until I began re-reading my journals and different emails that I have written to people who have been part of my recovery journey. Looking on the outside in I read my own words; panicked, fearful, lost searching for an anchor something to hold on to during these times of internal chaos.

You are your own anchor.

For me, I cling to Jesus, recovery, self-care, my passions, ambitions, helping others, art projects, and writing. Those things I know to be true. Those things I don’t feel. They are not temporary; fleeting; changing; they are pegs or nails for me to grasp.

Realizing that my feelings were working against me in this recovery process from time to time made me realize that I have more control over them than I ever knew. I get to decide how and when my feelings affect me. I get to decide what I allow to send me into chaos. I get to decide how I use my anchor. I get to decide which pegs I grab onto.

You do too.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Raising a Teenager with a Mental Illness.

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#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, Arts, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, dating, daughter, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Education, encourage, encouragement, family, friends, God, health, hope, inspiration, inspire, jesus, keep going, life, love, major depression, medicine, Mental disorder, mental illness, mental-health, mother, Music, Poetry, recovery, strength, support, teenage boyfriend, teenager, Teens, treatment, truth, understanding, United States, where I Stand

Dealing with Love and Depression

Written by Anonymous

A few months back I wrote about my teenager with depression and dating.  Having a teenager dating is scary no matter what but having a teenager with mental illness dating is even scarier.  You never know how the mental illness will affect your child’s decisions and adding another teen with their own agenda into the mix can complicate that even further.  Yet, despite that I feel lucky and blessed because my child made a good choice in who to date.  Not only has her boyfriend not pressured her to do anything but he also is trying to understand her and her depression.  She’s lucky to have someone who is willing to learn about her and tries to understand her.  But that’s a lot to ask of anyone let alone a 17 year old.

She had a huge setback this winter, she had been doing pretty well and then she got ill and behind in school and overwhelmed.  She finally admitted that she felt like she was standing on the edge of the cliff and could see herself falling and felt unable to stop it.  And sure enough she fell back into a major depression.  At which point most teenage boyfriends would have left.  But he didn’t.  Instead she talked to him and tried to explain what was happening and what she needed, which for her is “bubbling” herself off from other people to focus on herself.  So he said okay, just tell me that and I will leave you alone.  So throughout the winter that was how it went.  He gave her the space and time to focus on her, and let her have the opportunity to cope without the pressure of a relationship when it was too much for her to handle.  And now, she seems to be coming out of her depression.  And entering what I refer to as the danger zone.  So now this teenage boyfriend now has to learn about this and trying to explain this is hard.  I refer to the danger zone as the period when you aren’t quite back to “normal” but aren’t deep into the hole of depression.  It where you are climbing out but if you grab one wrong rock (or someone says one wrong thing or something stressful happens) you can easily slide back in.  It’s easy to have setbacks here.  So as a parent you are cautiously optimistic at this time.  As a person with depression, you have to be careful during this time because your mood may change moment to moment.  And there are still days when she needs to bubble not necessarily to focus on herself but to protect herself from saying something wrong or mean or hurtful to people she cares about.  So now it’s a whole new scary situation for everyone again.  And in many ways it’s a new chapter in their relationship.

If he can cope through all this, he’s a pretty strong individual because it’s a lot to handle as a parent who has loved her for her whole life.  In the meantime I will just continue to do my best to support them both on this journey.

 

 

Support Where I Stand

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One of the many ways to become involved in Where I Stand’s mission to work for the prevention and  intervention of mental illness through education, awareness, and research is to donate financially. 

The process of becoming a not-for-profit organization in the United States is lengthy involving fees, lawyers, time, energy and of course money. But that is not stopping us. Daily we are inspired to continue working towards our goals by the individuals who email us, the stories you share, the people we mentor, the schools and groups we speak with and the knowledge we have that mental health is for everyone.

If you are able, please consider making a donation today. Simply click the donate button below. Every dollar helps and rest assured will be used to change the way the world thinks about mental health.

We Stand for You,
Erin Casey , Natalie Ball and Lizzie Elsberg

“In a gentle way, you can shake the world.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

How journaling helped save me.

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#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Dialectical behavior therapy, eating disorder, health, inspire, medicine, Mental disorder, mental illness, mental-health, recovery, support, understanding, where I Stand

Before I was diagnosed bipolar my therapist and my psychiatrist were not getting the full picture of what was going on with me. This is what was happening:

I would get really really depressed. Then I would come out of the depression and know that I was depressed but forget how bad it was or what it really felt like. Then I would go into my appointments and say: “yeah, I’m low sometimes but it’s not that bad.” Then I would get really really happy sometimes, hyper happy, also known as hypomanic and by the time I was depressed again I would never really think the happiness ever actually happened.

I would sit in my providers’ offices trying to remember how I felt over the past month; knowing I was doing a pretty bad job saying “I think it’s been okay but this is how I am feeling now…..”

Thankfully I was a compulsive journaler. One day I started brining in my journals to my appointments and they started understanding the extent and depth of my mood swings. My words painted a picture for them of the darkness that I dwelled in and then the euphoria I flew to. They finally understood my hell.

It was a hell that at that moment in my life I could not vocalize. I could hardly stand to be in my own skin most of the time much less spend time trying to understand or comprehend what was happening to me. My life at that time didn’t feel like my own; as if I were a passenger sitting in a car driven by my disorder up and down mountain after mountain. All  I could do was hang on.

On one page I wrote: “I’m so alone and I cannot do this anymore… I’m never getting out of bed again.” 

Four entries later I wrote: “The world is filled with so many endless opportunities; I do not know which one to choose.”

I still have every single one of those journals. I generally don’t read them; it’s not often to I look to so intimately visit that part of my life. But I’m so thankful for those books filled with my disease. They spoke for me when I couldn’t speak for myself.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

I Will Stand for You: A Poem

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Amen, Back pain, Comfort, God, health, Medical Specialties, medicine, Pain

I will Stand for You
By: Erin
 
Hurting because you hurt is one type of pain
But hurting for someone you love is deep terrible strain
 
What can I do?
I can’t let this happen to you.
How can I help?
For you I’ll be strong; but by myself I’ll cry and yelp
 
For my lack of control over what you are experiencing this day
Brings me to my knees and for you I pray
 
God,
Hold your comforting hand over my loved one tonight
Don’t…. please don’t let him out of your sight
Comfort him in his great pain
Tell him I’m here – and I will remain
Amen.
 
I will do everything I can today, tomorrow and the days that come near
To make different the suffering you’ve faced more each year
Simply because you have a challenge to face
People like to make you feel like a disgrace
 
Enough is Enough
I don’t care who they are or how rough
No one has the right to put out your light
The beautiful light that I’ve seen shine in the midst of an endless night
 
You are my brother, my inspiration, and life-saver too
Always remember I will stand for you

 

Trigger Talk: Physical Illness

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Australia, depressed workers, Disease, health, Illness, medicine, Mental disorder, mental self, mental-health, Oceania, physical illness, physical selves, Policy and Advocacy

From coughing, sneezing, hurting ears, upset stomachs, and exhaustion, physical illness takes a toll on more than just our physical selves, but our emotional and mental well beings too. Physical illness can be a trigger for mental and emotional  set-backs, it important that we recognize what is happening.

Recently a bad cold plagued the residents of the residential facility where I worked, and naturally I found myself with a cough, stuffed up nose, and light and spinning head before long. I also found myself exhausted physically, emotionally and mentally. I found my mood lower than typical when following my treatment plan and I began to panic. I then called my parents saying “Something is wrong! Sometime is wrong!” Hearing the illness in my voice they told me to get rest, acknowledge that I am physically ill they advised that I, treat my body well with proper nutrition and be patient until I will feel better. Skeptical and hesitant while feeling miserable and scared; I listened and today I am happy to tell you that while my body and physically self is on the mend my emotional and mental self is right along with it.

Physical illness can definitely be a trigger for a mental/emotional reaction, and being able to identify the trigger goes a long way in being able to deal with the situation.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Related articles

• Study finds men are more likely to develop physical illness than women (medicalnewstoday.com)
• Many People With Depression Suffer in Silence (medindia.net)
• Men More Prone to Fall Ill Than Women, Finds Study (medindia.net)
• 9 in 10 depressed workers prefer to suffer in silence than confide in colleagues (dnaindia.com)
• Study finds men are more likely to develop physical illness than women (eurekalert.org)
• My thoughts on Mental illness (hannahraphy.wordpress.com)
• I Have a Dream (whereistandblog.wordpress.com)
• Nearly half believe social media harmful, survey finds (irishtimes.com)
• Illness and Exile in Kazuo Ishiguro’s “Never Let Me Go” (rutgersiwl.wordpress.com)

After a hard night.

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Africa, Bipolar disorder, blank slates, clean slate, depressive episode, different space, disorders, eating disorder, guilt and shame, health, Major depressive disorder, medicine, mental-health, Mood

I hate that saying “tomorrow’s a new day.” I know the significance and what it means, but my mind always says: “well yeah, but today still happened.” I don’t really believe in fresh starts and blank slates, honestly in my experience those ideas have always set me up for future failure. Let me give you some examples:

1) Every new school year I convinced myself I would have a new life, be a new person and all my problems would be gone. I probably don’t need to tell you, but that never happened. And each time it didn’t happen; each time I realized that I am still me in a different space a time I felt defeated, like I had failed, and even more lost than before the new school year had begun.

2) I have a good friend who dropped out of college and went to work in Africa partly in an attempt have a “new day” and escape some of the realities of her “today” or current situation. Unfortunately it didn’t take long for her to realize that her past followed her there.

3) In my eating disorder it seemed like every time I did a behavior was the “last time” because tomorrow was a new day and I would start fresh, be different and healthy, and finally put it all behind me. Then the next behavior would come more intensely because not only was I fighting the eating disorder, but now the guilt and shame accompanied with failing my own expectation of my “new day” or my clean slate what I was “supposed” to be doing.

4) In my bipolar disorder, each time I came out of a depressive episode, I “knew” it would be my last. I would tell myself “this is it, I am happy forever now.” until  I became depressed again and felt even more hopeless than before.

Technically everyday is new because we have not had it before.

But placing the expectation on ourselves that when we wake up, move, finish a behavior, start a new chapter in our lives everything will be better, fixed, perfect is 100% setting ourselves up for failure.

Every experience we go though we learn something and in our haste to put it behind us we lose what we could have learned. In my repeated attempts to “be new” each year for school, I lost sight of who I was and what I liked, the only thing I cared about was what I “should like”. My friend moved to another continent only to realize that her thoughts, emotions and wounds are carried through time and space. It was not until I accepted the fact that my eating disorder was not going to go away over night was I able to begin to learn from each behavior and my attempt to avoid it. Similarly with depressive episodes being able to say “this might happen again” allowed to be prepare and work preventatively.

It’s true everyday has new opportunities.
But those opportunities can only best be used when viewed a lens of understanding ourselves and our past.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand

Related articles

• The Ranch Sponsors ‘Meet and Greet’ for ANAD’s 2013 Annual Midwest Eating Disorders Conference (prweb.com)
• New Adolescent Eating Disorder Treatment Center Opens in La Jolla, San Diego (prweb.com)
• Bipolar Disorder (wendybramham.wordpress.com)
• Signs and Symptoms (talkingaboutbipolar.wordpress.com)
• Treating Bipolar Disorder (mahendratrivedifoundation.wordpress.com)
• Back On Campus, The Girls Of Project HEAL Take On The World Of Eating Disorders (forbes.com)
• About (bipolarmanicdepression44.wordpress.com)
• Director Aaron Fisher Tackles Stigma of Mental Illness in “The Hospital Visit” (prweb.com)
• I’m gonna do it! (hexspinner81.wordpress.com)
• Nobody Decides to Have an Eating Disorder – Part II (ocdsurvival.com)

 

Meet Guest Blogger Audra Anderson

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Bipolar disorder, Blogging Guide, borderline personality disorder, eating disorder, health, medicine, mental health awareness, mental-health, Personality disorder, Substance abuse, substance abuse recovery, United States

Where I Stand bloggers are individuals who have a passion for erasing the stigma associated with mental health and spreading hope and awareness through personal their education, knowledge and personal experience. Where I Stand welcome’s guest bloggers in the areas of: Mental Health Awareness, Recovering Planning, Bullying, Eating Disorders, Body Image, Substance Abuse, Recovery, Faith and Healing, Mental Health in k-12 Education, Women’s Mental Health, Depression, Mood Disorders, Personality Disorders, Perspectives from the Mental Health Professionals, and College Mental Health. If you are interested in blogging for Where I Stand about one or more of these things please take a look at our Where I Stand’s Guest Blogging Guide: Where I Stand Guest Blogging 101. Then email us at whereistandblog@gmail.com.

We are thrilled to introduce to you Audra: Where I Stand’s newest guest blogger. Please read Audra’s bio below and be on the look out for her monthly posts! You can see her first post titled “Hope.” here!

Audra A. Anderson

Current City:  Newmarket, New Hampshire

Topics:  Bi-polar and Uni-polar Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Eating Disorders, PTSD, Recovery and General Mental Health Issues and Topics.

I was raised moving back and forth from Norway to the United States.  I had the unique opportunity to experience the world in a “greater” sense, to live a completely different culture, government and view of mankind in general. 

I married young and was a mother by twenty years of age.  Through the twenty-five years of marriage and motherhood, I learned many difficult life lessons.  I learned that I suffer from PTSD, and eating disorders.   I eventually learned my husband suffers from ADHD and Bi-polar Disorder.  My eldest daughter was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and ADD, while my youngest also suffers from anxiety issues, ADHD, and Bi-polar Disorder.

Why Where I Stand?:  I was once completely ignorant of mental health issues.  Once I began educating myself, and then seeking professional help for my family, and myself I saw the overwhelming need to help reduce the stigma of mental illness by education and awareness.  I work tirelessly to achieve this goal.

 Interests and Fun Facts:  In the past four years I have become a certified and trained advocate, teacher, speaker, facilitator and trainer for Mental Health Issues and Awareness.  I have the unique honor and privilege of being allowed to volunteer in the State Psychiatric Hospital on the Children’s Unit, and also connect with the families of the children to help support and direct them to mental health resources.  I am also a trained Suicide Prevention Trainer within the Community. 

I am also a legally ordained Minister, on two Boards of Directors, and love auto mechanics, my Hemi Dodge Charger, music and nature.  I am stubborn and self determined, and that has worked well as an advocate for those who may not be able to advocate for themselves.

Interested in guest blogging for Where I Stand like Rachel, Graham and Audra? Email whereistandblog@gmail.com for more information!

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• Meet Guest Blogger Audra Anderson (whereistandblog.wordpress.com)
• Meet Guest Blogger Graham Shields (whereistandblog.wordpress.com)
• Where I Stand Guest Bloggers (whereistandblog.wordpress.com)
• Meet Guest Blogger Rachel Gribling (whereistandblog.wordpress.com)
• What is Borderline Personality Disorder? (spirallingdownwards.wordpress.com)
• Tired and Hungry (whereistandblog.wordpress.com)

 

Tired and Hungry

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Behavior, Bipolar disorder, cognitive distortions, Diagnosis, disorders, eating disorder, emotion, health, medicine, mental health conditions, mental health diagnosis, mental-health, population study, traumatic experiences

Tired and Hungry:
When emotions and behaviors run wild

In the world of mental and behavioral health sometimes the best thing to do is go back to the basics. When an individual suffers from a mental health diagnosis their body/mental & emotional state is already under additional stress throughout the day with attempts to regulate emotions, practice dealing with cognitive distortions and also, if on medication metabolizing the medication.

I write this post because I have type II bipolar disorder, and am in recovery from an eating disorder. Let me tell you if I become exceedingly tired or exceedingly hungry I become depressed, anxious, I have an increased level of disordered thinking, my medication does not metabolize correctly, I often times feel ill which makes my eating get thrown off even more, and so on and so forth.

Back the the Basics

You think I’m the only one? I work as an activities counselor for a therapeutic home for teen boys. They all individually have their own traumatic experiences, diagnosis or behavioral issues and when they have had enough rest and enough nutritious food they are less restless, attend to their chores, get along better with one another and staff.

I have been in recovery for just about two years now; and still to this day every so often I evaluate myself on my basics. How am I doing on rest? How I am doing with consistent meals? How I am doing with exercise? How am I doing with medication? Because the truth is the second one of my basics gets away from me my recovery is in jeopardy.

It’s time to go back to the basics.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand

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• Improving the diagnostic process in mental health conditions via imaging (medicalnewstoday.com)
• Psychedelics and Mental Health: A Population Study (plosone.org)
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• Imaging in mental health and improving the diagnostic process (eurekalert.org)
• Imaging in Mental Health And Improving the Diagnostic Process. (zedie.wordpress.com)
• Distorted cognitive thinking – everyone can have this. Not just complex trauma survivors, or those with PTSD. (healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com)
• Experts: Bi-Polar Disorder Often Goes Undiagnosed In African-Americans (chicago.cbslocal.com)
• Borderline Personality Disorder: Facts Versus Myths (bpdsufferer30.wordpress.com)
• Emotional education (mildlymusing.wordpress.com)
• What are mental illnesses? What is mental health? (leighshealthpage.wordpress.com)

Hope.

Tags

Bipolar disorder, correct medication, dark clouds, depression, Emotional and behavioral disorders, Forced disappearance, health, medicine, Mental disorder, mental-health, pain and sorrow, self hatred, Shopping, stormy clouds

Hope
WRITTEN BY GUEST BLOGGER AUDRA ANDERSON

 Hope. 
Four little letters that have so much impact on the human soul.
 
Every day I watch my daughter struggle and suffer from a serious emotional disorder.
 
The beautiful, happy-go-lucky child I had disappeared slowly,
by the age of eight years old
my “sunshine” was hidden by dark clouds of despair and unhappiness.
 
I watched as slowly her friends disappeared,
one by one.
I saw her cry.
I saw her rage.
 

By the age of fifteen,

she had already experienced more pain and sorrow
in her young life
than most people experience in a lifetime.
 
Self-destructive behaviors
began to rule her life.
 
One ordinary day, a day that began like so many before,
something had changed for her.
 
Like an answered prayer from above,
A psychiatrist finally found the correct medication for her.
 
Beneath the veils of stormy clouds,
my “sunshine” was shining through again.
 
I saw her laugh, smile.
I saw her have hope for the future.
 
I began to have hope.
 
I got to meet my daughter again.
The beautiful, sweet happy young woman I knew was inside of her was finally shining through.
 
For six months I had my daughter back again.
 
Everything in life must change,
and no amount of tears, pleading or despair
could prevent her relapse.
 
She discontinued her medication,
and once again I watched as my “sunshine”
slowly disappeared  
behind a shroud of self-hatred once more.
 
It has been several years since I lost her
to mental illness again.
 
I miss her smile, her laughter, the warmth she exudes.
 
I worry one day she will not be here at all.
 
But I still have hope.
 
I have the undying, unwavering hope that a mother can have for her child.
 
I know that my “sunshine” is still there,
and every once in a while,
I get a glimpse of her.
 
 
I hope for her to have a fulfilling life.
 
I hope for her to never despair so much that she gives up.
 
Every day I watch her struggle and suffer from a serious emotional disorder.
 
But I refuse to give up hope,
and I refuse to allow her to either.
 
I hope and pray for all those who struggle along with my daughter.
 
Hopefully, we will never give up.
 
Sometimes, hope is all that we have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Related articles

• The Most Common Types of Emotional Disorders (psych.answers.com)
• Common Emotional and Behavioral Disorders (specialeducation.answers.com)
• Panic Disorder: Emotional And Physical Symptoms (casapalmera.com)
• Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms (casapalmera.com)
• Erin’s hope (jmubethechange.wordpress.com)