The Meeting That Saved My Life.

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AA, addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, mental-health, NA, recovery, The Meeting, treatment, where I Stand

The Meeting That Saved My Life

By: Dawn Sachleben

Meeting at a church on a Friday night at 10pm is not usual for me, this was usually the time I spent in the bar downtown on Main Street. Today was different though I was going to attend my first Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting in support of one of my best friends because he asked me to and that’s what friends do. As we entered and went down to the basement there was a square room with four couches, and an odd assortment of chairs, the space is the home for a vast array of women and men who meet weekly to discuss their addiction journey, as well as to both provide and receive support for their decision to remain sober. At this point I was not ready to admit that I was an alcoholic and I definitely was not an addict. So I sat there drunk out of my mind watching the room continue to fill up. I noticed how friendly everyone was even to complete strangers like me, you could feel the warmth in the room.

The meeting opened with the leader welcoming everyone to the meeting and I observed as each member of the meeting introduced themselves to the group. When they got to me I had no idea what to stay I stumbled over my words, I wanted to blurt out that I was an alcoholic too but how could I? I was only there to support my friend remember. I don’t know what it was about this meeting but I listened and I related to the stories and a few weeks later I attended this meeting sober and that was the beginning of my recovery. My sobriety date is June 5, 2012.

AA is based upon a number of tenets, including the twelve steps and the twelve traditions. The steps include the idea that AA founders “made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves” and “when we were wrong promptly admitted it,” amongst ideas of meditation, making amends, and seeking support through a higher power (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2007, pp. 60-61). The traditions state that the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking, that AA is focused solely on promoting sobriety within an autonomous group, and that anonymity is of upmost importance (Alcoholics Anonymous, 2007). Members read aloud these steps and traditions, as well as an anonymity pledge. In addition to the readings and the open discussion, there is an achievement portion of the meeting where members receive a chip for deferent increments of sobriety. This reward system allows the members of the group to share their accomplishments with the others in the group. AA also has a mentor program in which other members of the group called “sponsors” with a year or more of sobriety guide the newer counterparts toward these goals. They open their arms to alcoholics in all stages of change they do not discriminate. At the end of each meeting we stand, hold hands, and recite the Lord’s Prayer while holding hands. I have found it essential to have support when I was struggling with addiction, as with any lifestyle change. AA is a prime example of how groups support sobriety in individuals if they are willing to follow a program and commit to changing their habits.

AA and NA saved my life, if you need help with substance abuse do not be afraid to look for help in these types of groups they will welcome you with open arms.

 My name is Dawn and this is Where I Stand.

What is Stigma? This is a MUST watch.

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awareness, doctors, Education, Educators, Healthcare, mental illness, mental-health, stigma, where I Stand

Fighting for my life and fighting the system. How I refused to let the lack of insurance stop me from reaching recovery.

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AA, addiction, asking for help, eating disorder, help, mental-health, money trouble, NA, therapy, where I Stand

Fighting for my life and fighting the system. How I refused to let the lack of insurance stop me from reaching recovery.
By Dawn Sachleben

I am not exactly proud of my past but I do know that I wouldn’t be who I am today if I didn’t go through it. My name is Dawn. I am an Alcoholic and Addict, who suffered from Bulimia. I can’t exactly tell you why I woke up that day in June stating to myself that this thing I called a life wasn’t a life at all. My out of control behavior needed to stop and I had to be the one to stop it. It was a morning like any other I woke up startled and afraid, I had drank and taken as many pills necessary to black out again and I did not know where I was. This was normal behavior and on top of it all I suffered from an eating disorder that complicated thing further. These three diseases had complicated my life for long enough, they fed off of each other one leading to the next and it was to the point that I either get help or die. But get help how?

I didn’t have insurance or anyone to turn to at this point I had screwed up all relationships. I needed to figure this all out on my own and I was determined. I began with the phone book and started searching for any phone number I could find that had the words rehab or recovery before them. I called every number I could find hoping someone might have an idea of where I could go for help. While doing this I started attending AA and NA meetings. I found these meetings in my first few days of sobriety life saving and they are free. If you are in the need of help from alcoholism or struggling with addiction I suggest trying a meeting. You can find where they are being held in the newspaper or online and they have them morning, noon, and night. They are always free and can really help when you are struggling. You don’t have to attend the same meeting every week if you go to one and don’t like it try another one you will be able to find one where you feel comfortable and it is worth it.

I was also able to find help with my ED through public health this was done through a number of phone calls. The first place I called was the nearest social service office I figured they would have resources for the community and give me a direction to go in. Getting someone on the phone was another story I ended up leaving numerous messages with no call backs. At this point I was feeling very defeated but I was not going to give up I needed help and I knew there had to be a way to find it. I began asking around at the NA and AA meetings if anyone knew where I could get help for my eating disorder. I was told that there was a public mental health office in my area and that I should give them a call. I called the office and they let me know that they have a division that deals with mental health and eating disorders and that they will allow you to pay on a sliding scale according to your income. If you are not making money and need help they will allow you to receive the help for free. They will do an initial intake appointment and offer you a plan they feel will work best for your situation. I was offered a outpatient treatment plan in which I was assigned a treatment team and attended private and group therapy. When searching for help you do have to be prepared to be assertive and follow through with all the paperwork required in order to receive the help. I felt overwhelmed at first because it seemed like so much work but it was so worth it. I was able to get the help I needed for a very small amount of money. I have heard others who want or need treatment to give up on finding it because they do not have insurance. Help is out there if you are willing to fight for it and what is more important than life.

My name is Dawn and This is Where I Stand

The Problem with Social Media

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#believe, Alexa, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, Bulimia, depression, encouragement, health, hope, inspiration, mental-health, Social Media, understanding, where I Stand

The Problem With Social Media
By: Alexa Witcofsky

As much as I don’t want to believe it, social media rules our world. Instead of enjoying the moment we are in, we think about how we can show other people what we are doing and how much fun we’re having. Okay, I admit it: I’m very guilty of doing this. Whenever I go to some place new or have a nice outfit on, I feel a need to snap shot the moment and share it with my friends.

Now we all know the old cliché, “A picture is worth a thousand words.” However, I don’t think this really applies here at all. Pictures don’t show character. Pictures don’t show personality. Pictures don’t show who a person truly is. The picture simply shows a two dimensional portrayal of whoever is in it. Which means as you scroll through the comments of these pictures, the only comments applicable contain words such as pretty. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy being called beautiful, but I am so much more than that. This obsession with “likes” and “favorites” puts our focus on the physical appearance of the people in the pictures, NOT who we truly are.

           I don’t know if you have seen the stories, but more and more teens are getting plastic surgeries to look like their favorite celebrities. They have been bullied for their appearance and believe the best way to stop things is to change how they look. Some people think this is funny, but it really shows the fault in a society that highly values appearance. We value what can be seen before even getting to know who a person truly is, and that is a shame.

            When I was in treatment, we rarely had access to social media, weren’t allowed to have fashion magazines, and could only watch approved television or movies. At the time, it was a really hard adjustment and I felt so out of the loop. But after a while I realized how freeing it was. There was nobody else to compare myself to, no magazines flaunting diet secrets, and no Joan Rivers mercilessly mocking women for not being society’s definition of “skinny”. Instead of all of this, we focused on our soul self. The part of us that no matter what we looked like always remained the same. The part of me that loves art, dancing like a fool, and Harry Potter. I learned more about myself in this time than I ever had, because it was the first time I could be completely alone with myself.

So the best advice I can give here is take a break from it all. When you notice that your mood changes, when you’re thinking about ways to compare to someone, deactivate. Take a moment without social media to be you and not care what other people are doing. Pick up a cheesy teen book that will make you smile, do the wonderful art projects that Dawn posts on this site, or simply go for a walk and take in the fresh air. Whatever feeds your soul self should be all that’s on your agenda. There is so much more to you than your appearance, and there are so many ways to realize this. People love you for who you are- your personality, your humor, your grace.

The trick of being a truly beautiful person is not doing your makeup perfectly or having the most toned body. It’s showing off your soul self and the amazing qualities that you as a person have to offer. When I am an old woman, I want people to look back on my life and think that I was beautiful because I made a difference. I helped people who needed it, I laughed and loved life. I don’t want to be remembered for simply being a pretty shell of a human being. I am so much more than that, and so are you.

My name is Alexa and this is Where I Stand

Traveling this summer? Check out these tips on staying sane.

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family, mental-health, planning, summer, travel, trips, where I Stand

I just got back from a trip to visit family. I’m exhausted; like let me crawl into bed for the next week to recuperate exhausted. For some people traveling is really difficult. I think especially so for people that struggle with mental illness. But, not only is it possible it can be enjoyable.

Do some planning.

Traveling is ALWAYS easier when planning is involved. This often looks like packing lists, picking where you want to sit on the air plane or pre-planning stops for a long car ride. Questions to ask yourself when you are in the planning stages are:

• Where am I going?
• What will I be doing?
• Who will I be with?
• What will I need?
• What do I want?

Mentally prepare.

Mental preparation is JUST as important as physical preparation for a trip or vacation. This is a time when your schedule and routine is going to be disrupted, you are going to be out of your normal living situation, you might not have as much time to yourself or have all of your comforts and belongings with you. So a big part of mentally preparing for a trip is acknowledging those realities (or any of the realties you’ll be facing during the time) and mentally brace yourself for them, accept them and start to come up with ideas and ways to compensate and cope with them.

Pack comforts.

One way to compensate and cope is to pack comforts (now, I don’t mean everything you love or your entire bedroom that’s not feasible) but start with clothes that are both comfortable and you feel good in. Pack your favorite flavor of chewing gum and even your favorite lotion. Just because you’re away from your home docent mean you have to be away from everything that makes you calm and comfortable.

Prepare for returning from your trip.

One of the worst things about traveling is when you have a list of things to return to the day you get back when all you want to do is rest.  Do your best to accomplish as much as you can BEFORE your trip and reserve a day or two from rest and recuperation from the traveling and to get yourself back in order.

Go easy on yourself.

Being away is a perfect time to practice being flexible. (which isn’t easy) Remind yourself that is’t okay to feel ups and down and that you’re doing the best you can. Take time for yourself and let others know when you need space.

Allow yourself to have fun.

Do something fun everyday and experience something you can’t experience at home. Give meaning to your trip and write down the memories or take pictures! You’ll be glad you did!

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

All or Nothing: how learning to manage a thought distortion helped my recovery.

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#believe, Anxiety, awareness, bipolar, Bulimia, depression, disorders, eating disorder, health, treatment, where I Stand

Recovering from and learning to live in my recovery process from an Eating Disorder and Bipolar Disorder has been really challenging at times. There is no sugar coating it. My brain at times operates against me; and I have had to develop skills and tools to combat that. Thankfully I’ve had a lot of really great treatment providers patiently teaching me and coaching me though fighting my own brain.

One of the things that my brain does is all or nothing thinking. Naturally I want to be the best or I don’t want to do it at all. I want to be best friends with someone or not friends. I want to write a book or write nothing. I want to run a marathon or run nothing. You get the idea. This way of thinking is harmful in many ways. First, it set myself up for failure and disappointment. My expectations for everything I did or wanted was so high that my ability to achieve it was actually very small. It also put really high and challenging expectations on relationships. I had all of these ideas of what the relationship should be; I never actually got to enjoy any of the people around me.

It also filtered my life through a lens of “This situation will either be horrible or wonderful” This is emotionally taxing on anyone and creates a lot of ups and downs in moods and behavior. This mindset combined with my perfectionism and fear of failure pushed me to ignore the my emotional and physical cues of needing a break, needing help, knowing when the stop or slow down.

There is also the other side to the “All or Nothing” thought distortion, you know the nothing side. I would neglect parts of my life that I either felt hopeless and overwhelmed over or these were things that made me feel most uncomfortable. At different times these things were: my outward appearance, connecting with my peers, my health, school, my family and my friends.

The things that I was ALL about and the things that I was NOTHING about fluctuated given the time. Living this way added to the chaos of my life. I never felt satisfied, and always felt not good enough.

So how do you recognize and begin to change this way of thinking?

• [Awareness] Notice a pattern. It takes time to create a pattern and sometimes it helps to have another person help with this part (someone that knows you well and that you trust).
  • What are you ALL invested in?
  • What do you neglect of invest NOTHING in?
  • At this point think about your expectations, are they reasonable?
  • How do you feel in your relationships?
• Decide what you really want. Its hard to change out you think. For the longest time I told my therapist that if I gave up this method of thinking than I would be less successful. That wasn’t true. I became more successful as I became more balanced. Once you decide you want balance it becomes a matter of defining it.
• What does balance look like to you?  [DO NOT confuse balance with perfection.. my brain will do that]
  • Physically?
  • Emotionally?
• Use the awareness of your patterns (behavioral and emotional) and start reminding yourself in the moment that your dealing with a thought distortion and the world really isn’t all or nothing. In those moments give yourself other options. This takes a lot of time and hard work. But with practice new patterns are formed based on the balance that you desire.

I know it’s hard, but you can do it.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand

“Broken vs Unbroken” how language keeps people from living well.

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#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, Eating Disorders, Education, encouragement, Erin Elizabeth Casey, friends, health, keep going, Music, Poetry, strength, treatment, understanding, United States, where I Stand

I was in third grade and I still struggled with reading. Every single night my mom and I would climb in her bed with a Judy B. Jones books and I would sputter and stutter my way through page after page in agony. At school that had already labeled me as “slow”. I was in every remedial class there was.

My mother was livid.

Maybe because she knew her child was NOT going to fall behind; maybe she felt like the teachers were not living up to their end of the deal (because Lord knows we were doing hours of work at home.) Or, quite possibly she was just frustrated and didn’t know what to think.

Honestly a lot of it had to do with labels. My mom did NOT want me labeled as anything other than my name “Erin Elizabeth Casey.” Oh, and you better believe she fought tooth and nail to make sure that I wasn’t.

Thankfully (for my mother’s sanity), as a third grader my biggest issue was that I liked to run around in school and I got very easily distracted by my peers. Those things were quickly remedied when my parents began paying me and my siblings for high grades (well let’s just say I liked money more than having fun at school). I quickly became a straight A student, and a very high achiever in general.

But, not everything can be fixed with a bribe.

When later, my depression darkened the rest of my life, no amount of money could have gotten me out of that one. It didn’t work that way. There wasn’t a quick fix. There was not an escape button to push. I suffered severely from depression and that more than anything needed to be acknowledged and treated so that I could get better.

It’s hard to admit the truth though when it’s not what you want it to be. I couldn’t snap out of it. I wasn’t going to grow out of it. I had to admit I was sick and ask for help.

Today we look at mental health as

“I’m messed up and they are not.”
“I’m crazy and they are not.”
“I’m broken and they are not.”

It’s not that black and white. It’s much more like “I’m struggling right now so I need support.” We all have mental health so at different times we all need support in different ways. Understanding that needing and asking for help does not mean you’re in a different category or that you have a label of your forehead.

You can’t be labeled. You are so much more.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

our beautiful brain – the altered book

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art, Art therapy, creative, mental-health, where I Stand

 

What you will need:

– A Hard Cover Book to alter – if you don’t have one -Thrift Stores often have hard cover books for a dollar or less.

– Something to stick things down with – I use all types of things when gluing, Mod Podge, White Glue, Double Stick Adhesive, you can use whatever works for you.

– Mod Podge to seal your Masterpiece

– Acrylic paints, colored pencils, crayons, pastels, markers, and pens to doodle with and to add color

– Anything that you would like to use to collage – virtually almost anything can be used in a collage. My favorites are pictures from old books, vintage jewelry, and patterned textured paper.

How it works:

An altered book is an artist-made book recycled and modified into something new in appearance, and meaning. An altered book offers a long-term art-making process for healing. Altered books can be used to work through long standing emotional issues, to change unhelpful psychological patterns of belief, and to find and cultivate new strengths. Altered books can be joyfully made to help climb out of depressive cycles and to cultivate inspiration.

Literally and metaphorically, altered books can be closed when emotions or memories feel too intense, and opened and worked upon at a later time when the timing is right for healing. When working through long standing psychological patterns, altered books can sometimes be shelved and restarted weeks, months, and even years later.

1. Choose a strong and durable book to alter. Hardcover books work the best, especially those with pages sewn rather than glued. If you are using an old book check the pages to see that they are strong enough to withstand layers of paint and glue. Choose a book that inspires you, especially if you are planning to leave words peeking through your backgrounds and want to spontaneously underline passages. If you are planning to cover all of the pages up it will not matter what kind of book you choose – as long as it is sturdy.

2. Cut out and remove some of the pages from your book with an exacto knife, so that when your pages swell with paint and collage the book will fit into its cover without bulging. Save some of your pages to collage back into your altered book later.

3. Glue pages together to form a stronger page base for your artwork. Depending on the thickness of your pages, you might want to glue together anywhere from 2-10 pages.

4.Get ready to Collage – you can prepare your background with collaged patterned paper, and then slightly obscure your collage items with paint. You can virtually do anything that sparks your imagination and if you need help you can always email me for some ideas.

5, Create Your Page Spread – Using both the right and left side of your page create one unified page spread and then begin spontaneously adding foreground elements to your background.

 Some ideas for Creating Your Pages:

 – Doodling – Start with a line drawing on top of the words on your page – allow your unconscious mind to influence your drawing.

– Underlining and Circling Words – Using different colored markers, pencil crayons and pens emphasize words and phrases that strike you as emotionally powerful.

– Black and White Photocopies – Patterns, vintage stock illustrations, music sheets, things found in nature all can provide contrast, symbolism, and strength to your page spreads.

– Tissue Paper – Tissue Paper adds transparency, veiling, and obscuring certain elements of your page spread.

6. Make Your Altered Book Cover – Altered book covers can be painted, collaged, covered in fabric. Old hardcover books often have carved covers that can be painted and further textured. Book covers can be 3-D and embellished with beads, ribbons, buttons, old keys, lace, dried leaves and flowers – the possibilities are endless.

Remember while you are creating to not think to much into it – go with your instincts, it is ok to let go.

Dawn

When what is supposed to be the “best time of your life” actually just isn’t; dealing with mental illness in college

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College, college experience, College Life, college mental health, college survival tips, Colleges and Universities, eating disorder, entire college tuition, going to college, mental health advocacy, mental health america, mental health awareness, mental health care, mental health depression, mental health diagnosis, mental health issues, mental illness, mental illnesses, mental-health, seeking help, where I Stand, You are not alone

 When what is supposed to be the “best time of your life” actually isn’t; dealing with mental illness in college.

Written by: Where I Stand blogger Alexa Witcofsky

I could probably pay my entire college tuition if I had a nickel for every time I heard the phrase,“this is going to be the best four years of your life.” That line is repeated so often it becomes engraved in our heads as a societal norm. For me, this became unnecessary pressure. After my freshman year, I was angry at all the people who told me this slogan with a big grin on their face.

Everyone else has an amazing time in college and I feel absolutely miserable. THESE are the best years of my life??

 As many of us know, the responsibility, stress, and new environment that comes with our first year in college can exacerbate or even initiate mental health issues. Yet even though many people experience this, we often end up feeling alone. I believed for a long time that something was wrong with me because college wasn’t the greatest experience of my life. I thought that something I was doing must have been holding me back from what everyone else had. In some ways it had- my eating disorder and depression took an entire year of my college experience away from me. However, looking back I now realize I have gained so much more than I ever lost. Through my experiences and my recovery I have learned that you don’t just go through college, you grow through college.

College may not be the best four years of your life, and that is okay. College is a time to figure out who you are. You will learn about yourself, your values, your personality and the way you handle responsibility as well as stress. Not everything that happens is good, but it’s also important to remember that not everything is bad. My favorite way to think of mental illnesses and the recovery process is to see it as a flower, more specifically a lotus. This flower grows through murky water and blossoms on the surface, emerging beautiful and clean. In my situation, college is the murky water. It has tested me in more ways than I can name, but I know that I will make it to the surface knowing more about myself than ever before.

Although life without challenges seems perfect, I firmly believe that everything we go through can be used to propel us forward. I can use my experiences to connect with and help others, and I can also use them to motivate myself. It may not always be easy, but finding the positives has made my life so much better. So while I may not always look back on the “glory days” of my college years, I will look behind me with a smile at all the reasons why I stand here today, the woman that I am.

I want you to know that college will NOT necessarily be the best for years of your life and that’s okay. If you think you’re struggling with a mental health issues seek help; you’re worth it.

– Alexa

Anything but me: battling perfectionism from tutus to today.

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Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, mental-health, perfection, perfectionism, where I Stand

As a little girl, and even as a tween I would idolize the more senior dancers at the studios where I grew up. I didn’t just want to be like them. I wanted to BE them.

To me they embodied perfection as they danced across each stage and floor seemingly effortlessly.

Well, eventually I grew and I was one of the senior dancers and I saw little girls smile big and look up at us with wide eyes and open mouths.

My thoughts: Oh no, I hope they don’t want to be like me. 

I didn’t feel the way I assumed all the dancers at this level did (or should). I was still me. I was still Erin. I still had zits and fought with my dad, I was never happy with my appearance or my weight and there was always the next thing hanging over my head: that paper I needed to write, the boy I liked who didn’t like me back or the fact that I just couldn’t fall asleep to save my life.

My life was no where near perfection.

My thoughts: I must be doing something wrong. 

Well it’s true. I did a lot wrong, but one of the biggest things was making the assumption that perfection existed and I could attain it (if I only worked a little harder). I put others on pedestals and push myself into the ground. This turned me into an incredibly hard worker; always trying to attain something that didn’t exist. As a teen others considered me a success. But it almost killed me.

I didn’t know what was going on at the time. All I knew was that I needed to BE something that was perfectly pictured in my mind (and for me that was good enough). When I failed time and time again to reach this unobtainable goal I became a failure, though only more committed to perfection.

After years of treatment and therapy and recovery and insight and understanding I can finally combat this thought process; but it still takes work. There is part of me that will always want to do better; BE better. But today there is a new part of me that wants to live better, and living better requires accepting who I am right now where I am.

Even for those of us who are not full-blown perfectionists, I think we all have things we are protectionist about. Ask yourself if what you’re chasing is real or not. If it is, what are you sacrificing? Is it worth it?

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.