“Broken vs Unbroken” how language keeps people from living well.

Tags

#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, Eating Disorders, Education, encouragement, Erin Elizabeth Casey, friends, health, keep going, Music, Poetry, strength, treatment, understanding, United States, where I Stand

I was in third grade and I still struggled with reading. Every single night my mom and I would climb in her bed with a Judy B. Jones books and I would sputter and stutter my way through page after page in agony. At school that had already labeled me as “slow”. I was in every remedial class there was.

My mother was livid.

Maybe because she knew her child was NOT going to fall behind; maybe she felt like the teachers were not living up to their end of the deal (because Lord knows we were doing hours of work at home.) Or, quite possibly she was just frustrated and didn’t know what to think.

Honestly a lot of it had to do with labels. My mom did NOT want me labeled as anything other than my name “Erin Elizabeth Casey.” Oh, and you better believe she fought tooth and nail to make sure that I wasn’t.

Thankfully (for my mother’s sanity), as a third grader my biggest issue was that I liked to run around in school and I got very easily distracted by my peers. Those things were quickly remedied when my parents began paying me and my siblings for high grades (well let’s just say I liked money more than having fun at school). I quickly became a straight A student, and a very high achiever in general.

But, not everything can be fixed with a bribe.

When later, my depression darkened the rest of my life, no amount of money could have gotten me out of that one. It didn’t work that way. There wasn’t a quick fix. There was not an escape button to push. I suffered severely from depression and that more than anything needed to be acknowledged and treated so that I could get better.

It’s hard to admit the truth though when it’s not what you want it to be. I couldn’t snap out of it. I wasn’t going to grow out of it. I had to admit I was sick and ask for help.

Today we look at mental health as

“I’m messed up and they are not.”
“I’m crazy and they are not.”
“I’m broken and they are not.”

It’s not that black and white. It’s much more like “I’m struggling right now so I need support.” We all have mental health so at different times we all need support in different ways. Understanding that needing and asking for help does not mean you’re in a different category or that you have a label of your forehead.

You can’t be labeled. You are so much more.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

One truth about therapy.

Tags

Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, encourage, health, hope, Mental disorder, mental-health, therapist, therapy, treatment providers, understanding

I sit on my therapist’s green couch every other week these days and we talk about tools, emotions, recovery, being proud of myself, being grateful, goals, disappointments, relationships, work and everything or anything else that comes up.

Therapy is a tool that I use to help me navigate through some of the more challenging or complicated parts of my life. It’s a treatment that has taught me new ways of doing things and/or reacting to situations; because I’ve been through things and have certain illnesses that require additional assistance and are particularly challenging.

I think of my therapist like a swim teacher, and life an ocean. She can’t save me, carry me, do it (meaning life) for me. She doesn’t pull me down or attempt to create more waves either. No, my therapist teaches me how to swim on my own so that I can live outside of realms of treatment.

It’s so easy to wish someone could just make me better. I’ve wished on occasion that my medication was all I needed. I’ve prayed to God asking why he didn’t just cure me. And at times in my life I have put all of my hopes into treatment providers to be my lifesaver rather than my swim teacher.

Honestly though, learning to live outside of treatment, or within the realms of this metaphor learning to swim, while it has been incredibly difficult sometimes seemly impossible has been more gratifying than anything or any accomplishment I can remember.

I spent so long searching for someone to save me. Then I realized I could save myself.

My therapists over the years have been vital to my treatment, recovery and success in maintain it. But, but even as my therapist changed I continued to work, to learn, to utilize. You are you’re very own constant. You have the opportunity to learn from the people in your life no matter how long they are there.

The purpose of a therapist is to teach you you to swim on your own in this ocean of life with waves and storms and sharks – so what you know you’ll be okay.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

The repercussions of lying.

Tags

Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, hope, lies, mental-health, recovery

I remember walking through the mall with my mom and she asked me “have you had any troubles today?” The word troubles in that context for her meant eating disordered behaviors; particularly purging.

“No.” I pushed her way, saying it as though she was crazy. Saying it as though she was rude for asking me.

I lied. I was fifteen years old. I remember that specific moment so clearly because I felt ashamed, embarrassed and alone. Saying yes, telling the truth was seemingly impossible for me right then and there. I felt a twinge of guilt too. Eventually though lying stopped being so hard. I could lie about anything, any behavior, how I’m doing, how I’m feeling, what I needed at the time or even what I wanted.

I lied so much I didn’t know what was true anymore.

You’re might be asking yourself why I lied so much. Or you’re reading this feeling very uncomfortable because right now your life is built upon a delicately constructed house of lies that you are waiting to come crashing down at any moment.

I started lying out of shame. I kept lying out necessity. I continued to lie because I became so sick that those lies became the basis for which my life was built on.

My identity was then my illness and I was protecting that at all cost; be it real relationships, my health, school, my family, or my sanity. There was no price that was too high. I lost friends, respect, people’s trust in me, my own dignity. It was not until I learned, felt and understood one truth that things began to change:

I don’t know who I am.

There were no more lies to tell because I was literally falling part for the world to see. No more hiding. Everyone was watching my demise. I wasn’t fooling anyone. I wasn’t even fooling myself anymore into thinking that this was sustainable.

Grasping at straws I asked for help.

And kept asking for help and kept asking for help over and over and over again until I found hope and then clung to that hope in order to realize what the truth was:

I’m okay. I don’t have to be ashamed. I’m allowed to make mistakes.

… and lying will kill me.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Mindfulness – for those of us who just can’t.

Tags

#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, Education, encourage, encouragement, friends, God, health, hope, inspiration, jesus, mental-health, Mindful, mindfulness

M-I-N-D-F-U-L

I don’t know about you but my mind is ALWAYS full.

For the past few years I’ve been challenged by my treatment providers to practice mindfulness.  Google gave me a pretty good definition. Here it is: a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique. Easy right? Um No.

For those of you who are like me words like focusing, present moment, calmly, and accepting might send you running in the opposite direction. I’m more of a live ten steps ahead of the game and try to distract myself away from the 3,000,000,000,000 things running through my brain at any given second (or so it seems).

But the truth is mindfulness is really powerful, useful, and helpful in the day to day for those recovering from and managing mental illness and those just seeking more peace in their lives (wow – I can’t believe I just said that shhhh don’t tell my therapist)

But I, of course like everything else, have had to adapt it to work for me. There is no way you are getting me to participate in an hour long body scan and not feel more anxious after than before. For some people that might be really helpful but not this girl. Below are some tools, tips and tricks for incorporating everyday mindfulness into your life (it’s how I do it at least)

1. In the Shower or Bath

• The beauty of using the shower or bath to practice mindfulness is that we all do it on a regular basis (I hope). And it is equipped with lots of tools: nice fragrances from body washes, soaps, shampoos, textures from loofas and wash clothes to hot water. This is also a time when you are guaranteed some privacy  away from the rest of the world. Most of the time I close my eyes and picture myself somewhere else for a few minutes.

2. When you Brush your teeth.

• Another great way to use your senses is to practice mindfulness while brushing your teeth. I close my eyes and pay really close attention to the minty taste in the my mouth, the foamy feeling and the fresh feeling right after.

3. Carry a flavored or scented chapstick.

• My personal favorite is Burt’s bees. If I’m out and about and become overly stressed and overwhelmed I put on my chapstick. I like the Burt’s bees kind because it adds a tingly sensation to my lips, and I focus all of my attention on my lips and how they feel for as long as I can. It’s my chance to give myself a mental break.

4.  Have a “happy place.”

• There are a trillion guided meditations out there for you to listen to. Some people love them so if you are interested you should try it, you can find many of them right online to listen to. For me I struggle with my mind and usually end up more anxious than when I started. But I do have a “happy place” in my head that I can close my eyes and go to. I go to the same place every time so it requires very little thinking or effort. For me I picturing myself curled up in the hand of Jesus. Your place could be anywhere in the world (or somewhere that does not exist), alone or with someone, with a pet even — it’s all up to you. And whenever you just need a little break – you close your eyes and go there. You might think it sounds strange – I sure did when I started practicing mindfulness but the benefits are amazing.

Give it a try.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand

One Truth That Will Help Set You Free.

Tags

#believe, anchor, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, awareness, be free, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, eating disorder, health, inspiration, keep going, medicine, mental-health, one truth, truth, understanding

You can’t always trust how you feel.

It’s taken me the last six years of painful, rewarding, exhausting, exciting, frustrating, confusing, gratifying, work to not only know this truth but to believe it and understand it.

I used to live my life based on how I felt.

I feel like you are against me so I will react to it.

I feel depressed so therefore my life is horrible.

I feel happy so therefore I am cured.

I feel love so therefore I need you to survive.

I feel angry so therefore I must act.

There is only one word that can really describe my life as I lived it in this way: chaotic. Even if people didn’t see the chaos I felt it in my heart, in my soul, in my stomach and in my brain. I never felt safe because  I was a captive to my own emotions. I was being held captive to my own feelings. During this time I could not separate my feelings from truth. Now, I’m not saying that my feelings didn’t exist – because they surly did. But I believed that because I felt it; it was true – and that was simply not.

Today I live my life based on truths

Feelings don’t last forever.

I am okay.

People do the best that they can.

Not everything is as it seems or feels.

I cannot control everything; but I can control what I do right now.

I deserve recovery.

I deserve real healthy relationships.

I never realized how much my feelings were holding me captive in my disease; not until I began re-reading my journals and different emails that I have written to people who have been part of my recovery journey. Looking on the outside in I read my own words; panicked, fearful, lost searching for an anchor something to hold on to during these times of internal chaos.

You are your own anchor.

For me, I cling to Jesus, recovery, self-care, my passions, ambitions, helping others, art projects, and writing. Those things I know to be true. Those things I don’t feel. They are not temporary; fleeting; changing; they are pegs or nails for me to grasp.

Realizing that my feelings were working against me in this recovery process from time to time made me realize that I have more control over them than I ever knew. I get to decide how and when my feelings affect me. I get to decide what I allow to send me into chaos. I get to decide how I use my anchor. I get to decide which pegs I grab onto.

You do too.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Where I Stand: Purple Love Eating Disorder Support Community.

Tags

#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, Facebook, health, hope, inspiration, keep going, Mental disorder, mental-health, Purple Love campaign, Purple Love Fighters Group, recovery, understanding, where I Stand

Where I Stand 
Purple Love Fighters Group

In February 2014 Where I Stand reached over 32,000 people in 80 different countries on 7 different continents through the Purple Love campaign to spread awareness, education, hope and love about eating disorder recovery.

Well, here at Where I Stand we know all too well that Eating Disorders don’t just exist during the month of February.

We are thrilled to invite you to Where I Stand’s Purple Love Fighters Group. A place for the purple love community to come together and engage in supportive conversation about recovery from eating disorders filled with hope, love, perseverance and so much more! Eating Disorder Awareness Month may only be for 1/12 of the year, but Purple Love is 24/7.

How to Join:

1. Figure out if you want recovery. This group is recovery focused. It’s for people who WANT it. Send a Facebook request to “Wherei Stand: Click Here.
2. Send a message to Wherei Stand’s facebook saying you would like to join the Purple Love Fighter’s Group. List you current phone number, address and emergency contact. Also mention the nature of your struggle briefly. (All of this information will remain strictly confidential)
3. We will then invite you to the online community for individuals in recovery from an eating disorder.

What to expect:

1. Each week the purple love team will provide a recovery challenge and do a weekly “check in”. These are opportunities for each of you to push yourselves in recovery and celebrate your successes as well as talk about challenges.
2. Support, Hope & Encouragement from people who understand what you’re going through.

Rules & Guidelines:

1. No numbers (weights, calories, measurements ect.)
2. No treatment specifics or triggering details of the disease.
3. This is not a group to seek medical advice from.
4. If you feel triggered by someone or feel your recovery is threatened by someone/something in the group send a facebook message to Wherei Stand’s facebook.

** Where I Stand’s Purple Love Fighter’s group is not to be used as a replacement for professional treatment or medical care. This is simply a support forum in order to encourage recovery and inspire hope.

We have so much hope for you.
Erin, Lizzie & Natalie.

Where I Stand Purple Love Fighters Group

New Program: Lifeline Letters of Love.

Tags

Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, encouragement, health, lifeline, Lifeline team, mail, mental illness, mental-health, recovery, support, together, treatment, understanding

We always love starting new programs at Where I Stand, but this program I am particularly excited about. It’s called LifeLine: Letters of Love. The purpose of the program is to create a team of people who send hope and love filled mail all over the world to individuals in treatment for mental illness.

We’ve already begun receiving requests and forming our team – and my heart could not be filled with more hope.

Everyday in treatment when the mail arrived was some of the happiest moments, because connection with the outside world is limited while you’re focusing on getting better. I was sent postcards, drawing from kids I looked after, bookmarks, stickers, encouraging quotes and lots of love. All of this reminded me that people were thinking about me.

Not everyone had the support that I did though – and Where I Stand wants to offer that support to ANYONE and EVERYONE in partial, residential or inpatient programs for addiction and mental illness. To sign up to receive the LifeLine: Letters of love Click here and fill out the form!

If you want to join Where I Stand’s Lifeline team and make hopeful cards and letters to send to people during their time of need email erin@thisiswhereistand.com! We’d love to have you on board!

After all, everyone needs a lifeline from time to time.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.

Raising a Teenager with a Mental Illness.

Tags

#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, Arts, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, dating, daughter, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Education, encourage, encouragement, family, friends, God, health, hope, inspiration, inspire, jesus, keep going, life, love, major depression, medicine, Mental disorder, mental illness, mental-health, mother, Music, Poetry, recovery, strength, support, teenage boyfriend, teenager, Teens, treatment, truth, understanding, United States, where I Stand

Dealing with Love and Depression

Written by Anonymous

A few months back I wrote about my teenager with depression and dating.  Having a teenager dating is scary no matter what but having a teenager with mental illness dating is even scarier.  You never know how the mental illness will affect your child’s decisions and adding another teen with their own agenda into the mix can complicate that even further.  Yet, despite that I feel lucky and blessed because my child made a good choice in who to date.  Not only has her boyfriend not pressured her to do anything but he also is trying to understand her and her depression.  She’s lucky to have someone who is willing to learn about her and tries to understand her.  But that’s a lot to ask of anyone let alone a 17 year old.

She had a huge setback this winter, she had been doing pretty well and then she got ill and behind in school and overwhelmed.  She finally admitted that she felt like she was standing on the edge of the cliff and could see herself falling and felt unable to stop it.  And sure enough she fell back into a major depression.  At which point most teenage boyfriends would have left.  But he didn’t.  Instead she talked to him and tried to explain what was happening and what she needed, which for her is “bubbling” herself off from other people to focus on herself.  So he said okay, just tell me that and I will leave you alone.  So throughout the winter that was how it went.  He gave her the space and time to focus on her, and let her have the opportunity to cope without the pressure of a relationship when it was too much for her to handle.  And now, she seems to be coming out of her depression.  And entering what I refer to as the danger zone.  So now this teenage boyfriend now has to learn about this and trying to explain this is hard.  I refer to the danger zone as the period when you aren’t quite back to “normal” but aren’t deep into the hole of depression.  It where you are climbing out but if you grab one wrong rock (or someone says one wrong thing or something stressful happens) you can easily slide back in.  It’s easy to have setbacks here.  So as a parent you are cautiously optimistic at this time.  As a person with depression, you have to be careful during this time because your mood may change moment to moment.  And there are still days when she needs to bubble not necessarily to focus on herself but to protect herself from saying something wrong or mean or hurtful to people she cares about.  So now it’s a whole new scary situation for everyone again.  And in many ways it’s a new chapter in their relationship.

If he can cope through all this, he’s a pretty strong individual because it’s a lot to handle as a parent who has loved her for her whole life.  In the meantime I will just continue to do my best to support them both on this journey.

 

 

So Much: A Poem

Tags

#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, art, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, Education, encourage, encouragement, friends, God, health, honest truth, hope, inspiration, inspire, jesus, keep going, life, love, Mental disorder, mental-health, Poetry, recovery, strength, treatment, truth, understanding, where I Stand

So Much

By: Erin Elizabeth Casey

Do you ever feel the world on your shoulders by day and by night?

Do you have days when you ask: “Will it really actually for honest truth be alright?”

“People need me.”

“I have things to do, places to be.”

Close your eyes

Or look to the skies

Breathe in deeply now

Know this:

The world will continue on somehow

It may feel the world is on your shoulders – but it’s not

That is just something dark in our brains causing pain and distraught

The world will continue regardless of this decision or that

Life is a journey – not something we “arrive at”

When you ask yourself “Will it really actually for honest truth be alright?”

Say out loud: “I stand for not darkness, but light.”

When we fight for light we get joy, love, and hope in great measure

And those things are our greatest treasure

You are needed that is true

But you are needed to be your beautiful you

So that you can do what God has inspired you to do

And go to the place you are supposed to be too

Don’t be burdened by this world, this life, this treasure you’ve been given

Take what inspires you – and become driven

Remembering in your heart that you have been forgiven

Freed already from that burden on your shoulders by day and by night

And now you know it really actually for honest truth will be alright

Forgiveness.

Tags

#believe, Anorexia, Anxiety, awareness, be you, beautiful, beauty, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, Bulimia, Christianity, depression, Dialectical behavior therapy, disorders, eating disorder, Eating Disorders, Education, encourage, encouragement, God, Mental disorder, mental illness, mental-health, Music, recovery, strength, treatment, truth, understanding, United States, where I Stand

How often do you hold on to all the times you’ve been “wronged.”? I wonder how many other people are holding on the things we’ve done to them and we don’t even know it.

Bitterness is a poison that destroys lives.

I’ve been bitter. We all have. I’ve made lists and held dirty laundry against people that I struggled to get over. Tonight as I sat in the sanctuary of a church listening to the pastor talk about relationships, confrontation, taking initiative, being passive aggressive ect. All I could think about was how much energy all of it takes.

Exhausting right? There is too much good to fight for and too many beautiful things to see. When it comes to mental health and relationships things usually get complicated…. fast. I know things did in my family and for my friends and I. I’ve been blessed with gracious friends and family that have learned a lot along the way; but that doesn’t change the fact that a lot of crap happened. So what do I do? What do you do? What do we do?

We forgive. We say “I was wrong” if we were. And we move on.

Easy? No. Necessary Yes.

….Unless you want to spend the next 20 years hurt, angry, frustrated and unable to smell the roses or appreciate the people coming and going right before your eyes.

Remember: Forgiveness is not a one time deal… its a daily act of love, self-love and love for others.

Today I’m forgiving myself for wasting any time in my life feeling or being bitter.

My name is Erin and This is Where I Stand.